Emily Fun President, Vol. 3: Feeling Jovani!
The best advice in life is free if you don't include it in your tax returns each year
One of my biggest pet peeves in this life is when people (read: women) call things that bring them joy their “guilty pleasures.” Why should anyone feel guilty for scream-singing Taylor Swift in the car or watching all of Chris Evans’ movies back to back or, like, eating a damn brownie??
The pleasures people should feel guilty for are also, surprisingly enough, already illegal, like Louis C.K.’s behavior towards women and the smug joy he gets from turning it all into yet another stand-up special.
My point is: in this final E4P of 2021, l really want to talk about the Real Housewives and I don’t want any shit from anyone about that. If this installment is not for you, feel free to scroll right on past. When I indulge in my guilty pleasures, I try not to traumatize anyone.
This week, I was joined by the Andy Cohen to my Anderson Cooper drunk in the middle of Times Square, Michelle Lapreay, to talk about what legal and life lessons we can learn from the Real Housewives franchise and which fraud is the best to commit.
Hello I am Michelle Lapreay (Capricorn sun, Aries moon, Leo rising). I graduated from Manhattan College in 20201 and have spent every waking moment since then making my personality traits exclusively include reality television, luxury brands and living in New York City. Very excited to finally know how to answer every question on this issue of E4P. I genuinely think I am the dumbest person she will have on but very excited to be here!*
*We at Emily For President do not share the sentiment of this statement.
The Real Advice of the Real Housewives
Obviously, you all are probably wondering about Michelle and my credentials when it comes to offering legal and/or financial guidance. I asked:
Emily: Should we be trusted to talk about the Real Housewives and/or give legal advice?
Michelle: Obviously. I feel like I’ve watched more hours of Housewives than hours it takes to complete a law degree. So essentially, I have my doctorate in Housewives.
Seriously— I think one of my first conscious memories is Teresa flipping the table so Housewives have been relevant to me for at least 14 years. As far as legal advice, I’m team We Can Pretend.
Emily: Best money advice you can give as an accountant and a fan of the Real Housewives franchise?
Michelle: Please know how and why your husband has money and where he keeps it before you sign your contract for the show. A little tax lien is fun to watch, but your return from jail because you just “signed the paper” is too sad.
There are so many people I know who don’t want the franchise and that is sad to me. One of my favorite questions to get is “I want to get into Housewives. Where do I start?” which is one of the bravest things anyone can ask. I often recommend getting your feet wet with a little Salt Lake City or Potomac, something you could easily catch up on.
But for those ready for the classics —the real top of the RH rock— I asked Michelle:
Emily: What is the best franchise and why is it Beverly Hills?
Michelle: The best franchise was definitely Beverly Hills for 2021 because they actually had real drama because of Erika. However, the best franchise of all time is for me always New Jersey because I actually don’t think they are fake about any of their fights and they have the most iconic housewife on the show.
Now, some of you may be wondering, “Who is Erika?” which is fair. Embarrassing for you, but fair. To give you all the brief history of this reference, we return to everyone’s favorite segment (albeit with a new twist):
Hi, My Name is Emily and I Was a History Major in College (with a minor in Bravo)
Erika Girardi, aka Erika Jayne, is a Real Housewife of Beverly Hills who was formerly married to the lawyer in the Erin Brockovich case, Tom Girardi. In 2020, Erika filed for divorce despite being the biggest mascot for her marriage throughout her six years on the show. Everyone was shocked UNTIL news broke a month later that Tom had embezzled money (at least $2 million) from the families of the victims of the 2018 Lion Air plane crash after winning their case.
Erika was also named in the lawsuit brought against Tom in an effort to recover the funds for the families. But all of a sudden, it was revealed that Tom had no money despite his and Erika’s lavish lifestyle. Where did the money go??? Many now believe that their divorce was a sham and that Erika was involved in Tom’s crimes the whole time, begging the question: “What did Erika know????”
I asked Michelle:
Emily: What did Erika know????
Michelle: I think Erika knew Tom and his firm were about to get in trouble (but not which actual crime), so she exited the relationship because she didn’t want to be dragged in. I originally thought they were having an agreement that he would still be paying for her life just divorced but I think she was blindsided when she found out he had no money left.
Money Can’t Buy You Class
One thing that is often implied but never explicitly said about the Real Housewives is how the entire franchise is a masterclass in how to not get caught committing crimes. From a young age, I knew if a man was always paying for massive purchases like a home or a pizza shop in cash, he might be committing at least two types of fraud.
But rest assured, plenty of Housewives commit crimes in their own right. Most recently (and dramatically), Jen Shah from Salt Lake City was charged with conspiracy to commit wire fraud in connection with telemarketing and conspiracy to commit money laundering in a long-running elder fraud scheme. Of course, in addition to the abundance of fraud, you also have Countess LuAnn who assaulted the officer arresting her for public intoxication, and my least favorite Housewife Kelly Killoren Bensimon who was arrested for domestic assault after punching her boyfriend at the time in the face. We love the variety!!!
I asked Michelle:
Emily: Best crime to commit as taught to you by a Real Housewife?
Michelle: Wire fraud. Teresa and Joe are iconic.
Emily: Follow up— what is your dream crime?
Michelle: Do I want that kind of information on the internet?
Mine, for the record, is still grand larceny. Truly nothing better.
Emily: Of the holy trinity, which is your favorite: tax, wire, or elder fraud?
Michelle: I would have to go with tax fraud because of the consistency— you can count on the fact that at least three Housewives will be accused of if it every calendar year. If there’s no plot going on on a franchise, you can absolutely count on someone being accused of not paying their taxes (I.e. Robyn, Karen, Noella, Dorit, and many more).
For now, I agree with Michelle. Although I would love to see a Housewife or two in RadarOnline for committing a little larceny.
In conclusion, I asked Michelle:
Emily: Since you’re a Capricorn, people trust you and take your word incredibly seriously. Why should everyone watch the Real Housewives?
Michelle: Everyone should be watching housewives because it honestly is pure entertainment every time you put it on. Even a boring episode can be entertaining because of a dumb one-liner or even just from looking at their house, closet or outfit.
Emily: How would you pitch E4P to Andy Cohen as a way to get him on as a guest?
Michelle: Andy would loveeeeee to be a guest on E4P. He should come on because he could chat about politics and pop culture all in a fun way!!!
Andy Cohen, this is your formal invitation to join me to talk about whatever you want!!!
I can’t thank Michelle enough for coming on and sharing her expertise with us all. She can talk herself down all she’d like but I can attest, after meeting her at a sleepover birthday party nearly thirteen years ago, she’s one of the smartest and most driven people I’ve ever met— and I’m saying that about a Capricorn which is huge for me!!!!
And thank you all for an amazing first year of Emily For President!!! I am so grateful for everyone who has joined me and explained things to me and I can’t wait for another year of mediocre jokes and brilliant insights!!!
I hope you all have a Taylor Swift-worthy New Year’s and, of course, feel Jovani.
With a damn MBA!!!