Orange is the New Fake Orange
Some light grand larceny humor for your Monday
Like the gracious and compassionate woman I am, I gave the Trump Organization a week to settle into its 15 felony charges, which include tax fraud, conspiracy, and grand larceny— notably my personal favorite felonies.
And, of course, in less than a week, Trump has already used his tried and true method of filing his own lawsuits to (I guess??) distract everyone from the charges filed against him.
So this week, we’re going to break down the recent charges against the Trump Organization and its CFO Allen Weisselberg, what the hell Trump is trying to pull with his lawsuits against social media companies, and why I get to say I told you so!!!! to everyone who made a Roy Cohn-related joke at my expense over the last three years because yes, this obviously comes back to Roy!!! I’ve been telling you all so!!!
The Whos, Whats, and Wheres
On Thursday, July 1, the Trump Organization and its CFO Allen Weisselberg were charged “with running a 15-year scheme to help its executives evade taxes by compensating them with fringe benefits that were hidden from the authorities.” Allegedly, Weisselberg —the only named executive thus far— avoided taxes on $1.7M in benefits by keeping track of things on a company spreadsheet rather than their official books.
And yes, I do think it’s objectively funny that the Trump Organization essentially kept track of their fraud on a shared Google Sheets.
I read through the indictment, as one casually does on a Monday, and broke the most important plot points:
After the absolute drama of the opening page of the indictment which accuses the Trump Org and Weisselberg of a SCHEME TO DEFRAUD IN THE FIRST DEGREE, it alleges that a slew of executives underreported incomes, did not pay payroll taxes on undisclosed benefits and bonuses, had their kid’s tuitions paid for by the Trump Org (through checks signed by the president of the company…. who was also the president of the United States), and falsified tax records for various employees.
The second count in the indictment offered even more drama, alleging the crime of CONSPIRACY IN THE FOURTH DEGREE, and stating:
“The defendants and Unindicted Co-conspirator #1, in the County of New York and elsewhere, during the period from on or about March 31, 2005 to on or about June 30, 2021, with intent that conduct constituting a class C felony, to wit Grand Larceny in the Second Degree, be performed agreed with one or more persons to engage in and cause the performance of such conduct.”
If you all remember from Michael Cohen’s trial/pitch for a Succession-Sopranos cross-over dramedy, Unindicted Co-conspirator #1 was the cute nickname our legal system gave President Trump which Cohen excessively emphasized during his public testimony.
While the indictment did not explicitly indicate if the unindicted co-conspirator was Trump, it would make sense given the charges leveled against them: the indictment alleges 12 overt acts of conspiracy, with the first act claiming that the president of the company helped Weisselberg secure an apartment in 2005 which was paid for by the company and for which Weisselberg paid no taxes, and the second act stating that “Unindicted Co-conspirator #1, underreported Allen Weisselberg's taxable income for the tax year 2009.” Now, who would want to and would have the power to do that?
The third count is my favorite, which is GRAND LARCENY IN THE SECOND DEGREE. Larceny is the theft of personal property and is categorized as either grand or petty depending on the value of what was stolen. As someone who regularly stole from frat houses during her college years, I love a little theft here and there!
Weisselberg is charged with grand larceny because he “stole property from the United States Internal Revenue Service and the value of the property exceeded fifty thousand dollars,” as he obtained “tax refunds to which it said he was not entitled.” I mean, it’s not a fun jacket or a handle of warm vodka but $50,00 is still fun!
From there, the indictment starts to drag on like the latest season of Real Housewives of Orange County as the next four counts are just your regular schmegular criminal tax fraud, the four after that are for Weisselberg’s false filing of records, and then it closes with a final four counts of falsifying business records in the first degree.
What could this mean moving forward?
According to the New York Times,
“In the next phase of the broader investigation into Mr. Trump and his company, the prosecutors are expected to continue scrutinizing whether the Trump Organization manipulated property values to obtain loans and tax benefits, among other potential financial crimes, according to people familiar with the matter.” (x)
Many of Trump’s supporters and the former president himself are claiming these charges to be a “‘continuation of the witch hunt that started when [he] came down the escalator,’” and I understand that some people may see the Democratic Manhattan District Attorney’s office bringing these charges against the most recent Republican president as a political thing.
However, I think you all need to hear the story about why Trump and this other tax fraud-committing bitch here fell out. It’s kind of long but full of suspense.
And also, it kinda leans towards being guilty of tax fraud and the like.
The New Roy Cohn Workout Plan
I know I’ve already mentioned this, but Trump’s lack of creativity has given me no choice to repeat the certified Roy Cohn plan of attack.
If you or someone you love has had their real-estate company charged with violating the Fair Housing Act or committed tax fraud over the course of a 15-year scheme, here’s what you need to do:
“1. Never settle, never surrender. 2. Counter-attack, counter-sue immediately. 3. No matter what happens, no matter how deeply into the muck you get, claim victory and never admit defeat.” (x)
For years, I’ve been saying that Donald Trump has spent his life becoming a generic-brand version of the men he believed his father and Roy Cohn to be. This is to say that Trump is remarkably predictable because he follows a blueprint.
Case in point: last Wednesday, Trump filed a class-action lawsuit against the CEOs of Facebook, Twitter, and Google, claiming he is being censored after being de-platformed for his social media activity which inspired many of his followers to carry out the January 6th attack on the Capitol.
In 1973, when the Department of Justice sued the Trump Organization for requiring that a “C” be placed on all applications submitted by potential tenants of color to subsequently reject them, Roy helped Trump bring a defamation suit against the Department of Justice, claiming the case had hurt business by accusing Trump of racist practices. Although this counterattack was unsuccessful, it resulted in Trump not having to publicly admit wrong-doing which he spun into his narrative of constantly being under attack.
You’re probably all saying, “Okay we get it. You love talking about Roy Cohn. But why should we care about this vintage case now?”
Trump was guilty when he hired Roy in 1973, just as Steve Rubell and Ian Schrager were guilty when Roy represented them in 1978, just as Roy was guilty of every charge he was ultimately acquitted of in the 1960s and early 70s. Guilty men use the Roy Cohn Method, and Trump is using it now.
The former president has been banned from essentially every social media platform since the week of the insurrection in January and has been (unsuccessfully) trying to repeal the law he cited in his case for a while during his presidency, but he just filed this lawsuit within a week of the charges being brought against his namesake company and its CFO. The art of the deal is apparently just distracting everyone from your own crimes by alleging someone else’s.
What to Expect When You’re Expected in Court
In a 2008 New Yorker feature, Roy’s other notable mentee Roger Stone said that Roy “told me his absolute goal was to die completely broke and owing millions to the I.R.S. He succeeded in that.” Just before he was disbarred in 1986, “the IRS mobilized to seize [Roy’s] townhouse and his cottage in Greenwich, Connecticut, filing for $7 million in back taxes.”
Trump could not have learned how to commit tax fraud from anyone better.
But until the day he died, Roy refused to admit defeat. He believed that his disbarment was a result of those with vendettas against him acting on them instead of recognizing he had committed four recognizable counts of fraud.
As can be expected because, as I said, predictable, Trump also refuses to admit defeat and surrender the presidency, instead promoting the conspiracy that he will be reinstated to the office by August. He also knows, as we all know, how to manipulate media coverage in his favor— in 2016, even when people were talking poorly of him, they were still talking about him and it allowed him to gain a level of notoriety that only boosted his presence.
Ergo: his Wall Street Journal op-ed. In November 2017, John Oliver read one of Trump’s speeches without his dramatic inflections and the result was unsettling, to say the least. What’s more unsettling is comparing that speech to the recent op-ed and recognizing that Trump clearly has very smart people —just like Roy used to— working for him to help him make his conspiracy a reality.
I mean he did it before. Surely, he can do it again.1
Why this? Why now?
So what was this conversation all for?
Donald Trump is still taking play-by-plays out of Roy Cohn’s book, believing his mentor to be as successful as Roy saw himself. But the irony is that Roy did not win in the end. He was thwarted first by the legal system and by AIDS soon after.
One can argue that Trump has been held accountable —by being voted out of office, by being impeached twice— but until investigations like the one developing against the Trump Organization and Weisselberg in New York expand to charge the former president explicitly, he will continue to believe he can get away with crimes (like grand larceny, and also inciting an insurrection) so he will continue to commit them.
Because we’ve seen this before, so we know what’s going to happen next.
Friends, this is a top-tier legal joke. Like I’m so proud of this one!!