Don't Gender Me or My Clothes Ever Again

It's not our fault you don't have good taste...go take a Covid test or something!

Sep 18, 2023

Unfortunately, this post is too long to appear in full in your inbox. I don’t know where it will cut off in the email version, but it will be available online. See you there!!!

I keep telling—nay, threatening—my office friends that they don’t know what’s in store regarding my fall fashion.

Tooting my own horn a little bit, I know I have fantastic personal style year-round but there’s just something about the leaves falling and the crisp air that makes me and my standard dress with boots combo a little too powerful. Even now, with the dew point dropping every other day and the sun only just starting to set before 7:00 p.m., I can feel my taste and seasonal affective disorder growing stronger.

I’ve been wanting to talk to today’s guest one-on-one for eons but I think it was fate that we waited until now to launch his E4P debut. This week, I’m joined by my wonderfully fashionable friend Emmanuel Llorente to talk about his personal style, why gender really has no place in fashion, and the beauty of using clothes to express yourself.

Hi I’m Emmanuel, a proud Cubinican who was born in New Jersey, made a 10 year pit stop in Miami, and become who I am in Kansas City! Aquarian queen with a heart of gold, a momma’s boy who is looking for a monogamous relationship which doesn’t exist apparently in NYC. Yay TTYL!!

Walk, Walk, Fashion, Baby

Most people really develop their personal style in their 20s, but most people are not Manny. He is someone who walks into a room and makes you think, “Damn, I wish I wore that.” Eccentric but tasteful, bold but still casual, unique but approachable—it’s exciting to see what he’ll show up in whenever we have plans.1

I wanted to tap into what makes his style just that, so I started by asking:

Emily: How would you define your personal style?
Emmanuel: I would say there are ever-changing eras. Day-to-day could be mundane depending on how I'm feeling. But I live in these certain eras where I get to be different versions of myself and that’s really fun for me. I get to explore all the styles that I didn’t feel comfortable exploring in the past.
Emily: What style are you rocking today?
Emmanuel: Oh lordddddd. Today, I’m doing a cute little monochromatic outfit in a bone white cream color—a short sleeve button down with wide-leg floor-length pants with a front slit, and a striped cropped green and bone cardigan! Also, my sneakers are that bone and have a pop of orange, and then also my green oversized tote. I would say casual trendy chic, you know?

I grew up with a mom who had impeccable personal style and imparted that gift to me. Spend ten minutes in any of my family’s photo albums and you’ll see how much effort went into assembling my childhood looks. When I began to develop my own style, however, the two of us hit a few snags…let’s just say that one of us got really into Peter Pan collars around 2011, and one of us made a lot of comments about how much she hated Peter Pan collars.

Still, I was always allowed and often encouraged to try out new things. Maybe I shouldn’t have been but I suppose every girl must trial run an unfortunate lipstick shade at a school function at least once in her life.2 It was this support that made it so easy to know what I liked and didn’t, as well as what looked good and what didn’t, so early on in my life. It also taught me that while my style and now-pilgrim collars might not be everyone’s taste, it is mine and that’s all that matters.

Projecting here a bit, I asked:

Emily: When did you first start experimenting with your style? Were you supported in your efforts or encouraged to stop?
Emmanuel: I first started to experiment or wear things that "scared" me when I was in high school. This really was just my Pacsun, thrifting, and Urban Outfitters era, but it was scary to me because I had been so preppy.
Straying away from that made me scared that people would start to question other aspects of my life, like my sexuality. I went a little wilder in college around my junior year when I was feeling super confident in myself, what I looked like, and becoming really exactly who I am.
I was always pretty much supported and those in my life that didn’t either weren't in my life really for that much longer or eventually came around to it. I will say I am very good and ridding my surroundings of toxicity, focusing on me, and making myself happy.
Emily: Which outfit or style do you feel most comfortable in, if any?
Emmanuel: At the moment, I'm going through a weird time with how I feel in my body so I feel the most comfortable in anything loose and airy. I don’t like fabrics that stick too closely to my skin. I love a good oversized t-shirt or hoodie and tiny shorts moment.
Normally, I would say that I feel great in whatever. I think it's interesting for me personally to think about how much how I feel about my body affects what style I go for.

In the two years that I’ve known Manny, I’ve personally seen no fewer than five different looks. It feels, to an outside observer, there is nothing he won’t try, which is obviously why I had to ask:

Emily: Is there a look or style you would never try? If so, why?
Emmanuel: I can’t think of one other than low rise but truly, if I had the confidence, I probably would…but no, it’s not flattering on me at this moment.
I like to grab from different styles and experiment so I can’t say no. If I like it, I like it.

All I will say is he hasn’t had a bad look yet. I wonder what would happen if we all tried to take a more open-minded approach to our individual fashion. Perhaps we’d find an absolute serve where we least expected.

If Not for Your Binary…and Your Meddling Dog, Too!

In 2020, I interviewed singer Charlotte Sands about her viral song, “Dress.” The song was largely written in response to Candace Owens’ critiques of Harry Styles wearing a dress on the cover of Vogue. Of course, Styles wasn’t the first cisgender man to wear a dress, which is why Sands was so surprised by backlash to the photos:

“It felt very normal, like self-expression. There are so many men that have done that and there are so many icons that have and continue to do that. I didn’t even know that that was still such a big topic of conversation…I’ve always looked up to Freddie Mercury and people who have been doing that. I feel like everybody should be able to express themselves and wear what makes them feel confident and I don’t think that anyone should have a problem with that. It doesn’t hurt anybody, you know?”

I don’t know who needs to hear this but clothes are inanimate objects and, therefore, do not have genders. Hope that helps!

While trying to research the history of gendered clothing, I found a number of interesting sources but no clear consensus on when this shift happened. The best reference—and easily the most entertaining to read—comes from Charlie Elizabeth Culverhouse in Guap Magazine, “a youth-led new media platform dedicated to discovering, showcasing and nurturing emerging & underrepresented creatives & communities.”

In her piece, Culverhouse explains that

Until the 14th century, both men and women continued to wear very similar attire. Accentuating your curves was not a thing, at all, and both genders adorned draped or unshaped garments and tunics to cover their unspeakables. Clothing was simply a necessity, the garments needed to be practical and, without much development in tailoring, the fashions didn’t need to change.

She writes that it was hard to ride horses in skirts so over time, men began to increasingly wear pants, albeit ones that still look like big skirts.3 Over time, the volume of these bottoms began to slim down, and the trend of breeching—giving young boys their first pair of breeches to show that now, at their big old age of seven years old, they were mature—rose in popularity.

Additionally, and this is key, breeching also marked the point at which fathers would become more involved in their sons’ lives, which apparently inspired some people to leap to the conclusion that pants were a reflection of manhood. Ergo, gender tied to clothing.

I guess that makes sense in the way Inception does—I can see how the logic makes sense to others, but I’m still baffled by it. Understandably, Manny felt similarly when I asked:

Emily: What is shopping like when you do not dress for one style, gender, or general vibe?
Emmanuel: It can be super fun and it is most of the time! I have this freedom of looking at the window mannequins and if something catches my eye then I go in and shop regardless of "who" the garments were made for.
Emily: Can you share what your first experience shopping outside of the men's clothing section was like?
Emmanuel: It was terrifying. I truly felt like I was doing something illegal which makes me sad for 19-year-old Emmanuel. I'll never forget walking into the H&M in my college town and seeing a pair of pants that I loved in the women's section and being so scared to walk over there by myself.
I went through every possible scenario where I would come back with one of my girl friends so that I wouldn’t look suspicious shopping in the women's section, or I would just buy one and try them on at home. But something that day made me feel like fuck it and I went and shopped for whatever I wanted. For a while, I would feel like people were staring but over time I've grown to care less and less.
Like anything, though, sometimes I regress and start feeling less confident as I normally would and I try to snap out of it and remember that I don't care what people think, but it's hard. I also find that my confidence or comfortability shifts depending on what I'm currently wearing or if I'm presenting more masculine or femme that day which is interesting and I wish I knew the physiological reasoning behind it. But if I'm presenting a little more masc, sometimes I still feel a little uncomfortable shopping in the women's section if I'm on my own.
It’s all wild and I hate that this is even a topic or struggle because it’s literally just fabric…Like hello?

Back in March, I talked with Christian Harvey about the rise of anti-drag and anti-trans bills across the country. A number of these bills target “gender non-conforming performance. Bills like AZ SB1026 use broad definitions like dressing ‘in clothing and makeup opposite of the performer's [...] gender at birth’ and using language like ‘drag show targeting minors’ to insinuate harmful intent.”

Christian and I discussed how these bills and countless others like them are the start of a slippery slope into cultural genocide—if you can ban certain forms of gender expression in certain locations, what’s to stop you from taking it even further and banning all forms of presentation and identity that don’t fit within the rigid gender binary?

Gendering clothes has become a dangerous tradition as it has given backward arguments something to villainize and resent. We don’t have time to truly dive deep into the core beliefs of conservatism but I don’t think we have to in order to see that it’s not the clothes themselves that those who cry culture war are scared of—it’s this idea that they’ve “lost power” because we’ve strayed from our “traditional society” which was “perfect.”

This idealized utopia of the far-right’s wet dream never actually existed but queer people always have. More to the point, the only real danger that comes from getting dressed without the binary in mind is often directed at those like Manny who want to wear whatever they want, as well as other members of the LGBTQ+ community.

With that, I asked:

Emily: Do you feel comfortable fully expressing yourself wherever you go, or do you find yourself selecting certain styles for certain locales, destinations, and events?
Emmanuel: I think I somewhat tailor my style depending on the destination, the people I'm with, and the climate, for sure. But at the same time, I mix and match too. I went to Mexico for my cousin's wedding and for the wedding I was very "boy" and was wearing a button-down and my Lululemon cotton shorts. But for the rehearsal dinner, I was in a cute women's romper with strappy sandals hair pulled back tight bun and face beat.
So I guess, no? But yes? I think it just depends on the vibe I’m feeling. I do what I want when I want and I won't go if I feel like I want to express myself in a certain way and can't. Also for my other cousin's wedding—which was the first gay wedding in my family—I wore a very "queer" outfit.
Most of my great aunts and extended family were there and I knew people might talk, but I was so over it and I'm so over everyone being stupid and ignorant. I was like, “I’m coming to my lesbian cousin’s wedding and Imma show up and show out and they can all talk about us—get with it or get lost.”

Emily: What is the relationship between your presentation and your queerness?
Emmanuel: I think I'm continuing to learn more and more about myself and how I present and my queerness. I think exploring and experimenting with my eras helps me figure out how I feel and when I feel the most true to myself. As I said, it’s literally ever-changing and I’m still learning about myself.
Emily: Do you still find you dress for romantic attention and, in part, the male gaze, or do you dress primarily for yourself?
Emmanuel: I’m not gonna lie and say it doesn’t cross my mind. I will say I really only dress for romantic attention when I'm going to a gay bar and even then, it's only 50% of the time…and even more honestly, it’s when I'm feeling down on myself.
When I’m feeling confident, I dress for myself. Isn't that something?

Speaking of confidence—which, if you haven’t been able to tell, Manny has in abundance—I wanted to know:

Emily: Where do you source your confidence from?
Emmanuel: Me and the people around me that lift me up. I have no time for anyone in my circle in my orbit that is negative. I like surrounding myself with people that I admire. At the end of the day, though, it’s primarily from myself. I'm proud of who I am and what it took to get to the Emmanuel you know today.

Never Going Out of Style

Friends, can I confess something? I love trying new things with my hair.

I was on the frontlines of Bangmania just before the pandemic, and have been streaking and glazing and shagging my hair since I was twelve years old. Just today, I booked an appointment to shake things up again next week! (No spoilers.) There are so many looks I think about fondly; yet, for every look I’ve had, I would guesstimate Manny has had at least four more.

With my own look nostalgia at the front of my mind, I asked:

Emily: Has there ever been a style or physical appearance that you've liked so much that you were hesitant to get rid of? If so, which one?
Emmanuel: I loved my midwestern gay boy look with my bleached mullet, but I also loved my Latina aunt dark sultry red long hair look. Again, I love all my eras and miss them all equally once I exit them.
Emily: Of all your physical looks, which has been your favorite?
Emmanuel: Oh lord wellllllllllll physically, when I was in the best shape of my life and mentally the healthiest, was the summer of 2020. I felt so confident and beautiful it was like no feeling I've ever felt about myself. And yes, I understand why that’s weird considering the fact it was the pandemic summer.

Like anyone, Manny has days and periods where his easy confidence becomes unavoidably tedious. And yet, he still manages to show up for his friends and family, at functions and impromptu gatherings, looking certifiably still himself.

I would be remiss to end today’s piece without asking:

Emily: What do you wish more people knew about how they too can develop their own personal style?
Emmanuel: Wear what you want, do what you want, explore. Getting up and getting dressed makes me happy, picking out what look I’m going for brings me joy. I would hope that’s the case for others it might not be but I think if you want that feeling you should chase it.
The only way is to be more confident in you and who you are, and if you aren’t there yet, it’s ok it’ll come. We are all a work in progress and figuring our selves out,s which includes personal style.

And finally, as both a friend and a fan, I had to ask:

Emily: How do you see your style evolving next?
Emmanuel: Honestly right now, I’m not in love with my look so I definitely see a new era loading—I just don’t know what. I’ll probably revisit something from the past that I’ve liked. My looks or styles are super crazy different but, again, they kind of are different little versions of me.
I think I’ll probably revisit one until I want to try something else drastic. Like a buzz cut…

So many thank yous to Manny for answering all of my questions and for just being an absolute icon of a person and friend!!!! What an iconic formal E4P debut <3