With Freedom and Reality Television For All
This is now a militantly pro-reality TV newsletter
Unfortunately, this post is too long to appear in full in your inbox. I don’t know where it will cut off in the email version, but it will be available online. See you there!!!
The first reality show I ever watched was, unceremoniously, Bethenny Ever After, which followed Real Housewives of New York star Bethenny Frankel through the honeymoon phase of what turned out to be one of the most chaotic marriages ever captured on television.
I loved every second of it, and I loved it all the more because I would get to watch it with my mom.
Growing up in a family that emphasized sharing and kindness over most other things, moments like these that were just mine and my mom’s—something only I got to have—were a rare commodity, so I immediately had a deep appreciation for the experience and, by default, reality television. To this day, watching Bravo is something my mom and I (and now my sister as well, albeit only for certain shows) share with one another, a habit we set aside time to do and discuss together. And, not for nothing, but for all that can be said about Bethenny, she always has been and always will be really good television so I had a great introduction to this world.
Obviously, the genre has been on the mind for me and so many others lately (see: Scandoval) which is why I wanted to open this conversation up for all of us to have together. Despite the fact that my first foray into reality TV viewing was gleefully exclusive, I meant what I said two weeks ago: reality shows are so ripe for bonding and connection because they’re less rooted in our tastes (i.e. which “Max” prestige show you favor on Sundays) and more about who we are and how we see the world.
Reality television is, in most ways, about projecting your personality onto the screen and then telling your friends which drunken memory resurfaced when Luann de Lesseps fell into a bush after drinking too much tequila. Or what you would have written to Sammi if you were JWOWW or Snooki. Or what dish you would have prepared instead if you were on Top Chef, or Great British Bake Off, or Masterchef Junior.
My point is: reality TV is a lot more idiosyncratic and personal than we often give it credit for, which is why everyone’s individual tastes are beyond entertaining to discuss or analyze or even fight about—I am growing a pro-Lisa Rinna army to take down anyone who likes Sutton Stracke more on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, and that is a dead-serious statement I am putting on the Internet.
I absolutely love the variety and personality in today’s responses and I hope you all will too. And, if you happen to be heading into this piece with either anti-reality TV or pro-Sutton views, I also hope you’ll consider changing your tune by the end of it. Because, as Erika Girardi said through running mascara at the Dinner Party From Hell pt. 35,003,402:
What is your favorite reality TV show?
Hallie, 26, she/her: I don’t even think I could pick a favorite because they’re all good for such unique reasons, so I’ll go with the show that got me into reality TV: Real Housewives of Atlanta.
CN, 23, she/her: Love Island
Mikhala, she/her: Bad Girls Club
MD, 25, she/her: It honestly depends on the genre and what mood I’m in—I only like Love is Blind in terms of dating shows, I absolutely love Queer Eye, and could easily watch every show on HGTV.
MC, 25, she/her: Temptation island
Lincoln, 24, she/her: Jersey Shore
Melanie, 20, whatever/she/her: Jersey Shore
Blair, 25, she/her: Love on the Spectrum
Dahlia, 29, she/her: Real Housewives of New York
Hadley, 22, she/her: Are You the One?
Courtney, 25, she/her: Love Island
CH, 23, he/him: RuPaul's Drag Race
AM, 25, she/her: Selling Sunset
Skylar, 24, she/her: Great British Bake Off
Liz, 24, she/her: Bachelor in Paradise
Sean, 25, he/him: Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
Peyton, 25, she/her: RuPaul's Drag Race
M, 25, she/her: Survivor
Why do you prefer the genre you selected over the others?
Hallie: It’s really easy to do drama or create an environment where people can be dramatic, get in fights, etc. (not in a judgemental way—I love that corner of reality TV, too!!) but what HGTV and, to some extent, TLC have done is create the AP Class of television. Anywhere you go, any show you’re watching, you know what the vibes will be, you know it’ll be easy and probably 20-30 minutes long, and you’ll get to see nice things. You can fall asleep and you won’t really miss anything big.
CN: Love always makes things more difficult.
Mikhala: I love the Housewives franchise. I love to see women dress up very nicely, order food, and then argue with each other. Potomac and Atlanta are my favorite franchises.
MD: I feel like I learn more from social interest shows, whereas with dating shows, I’m only really there for the drama and sometimes I am not in the mood for that.
MC: I like when there are some stakes to it and when the premise of the show is predictable but the people make it so different.
Lincoln: TLC shows have the weirdest people.
Melanie: I just like unplugging from the real world and being blissfully ignorant while watching Melissa Gorga pick out her next sparkly bikini.
Blair: I think they tend to be the most interesting to me. I also like many from other categories but I gravitate towards dating shows. I think dating has the most potential for drama.
Dahlia: Sonja Morgan.
Hadley: The suspense keeps me more hooked than other shows—a big cast of characters you aren’t tied to season after season.
Courtney: I honestly love shows within all of these categories but I watch dating shows the most out of these.
CH: I work in a wildly creative field, that often asks people to suspend what they thought they knew about "reality," and the Bravo shows are a really nice escape from fantasy land and into the REAL LIVES of people (for better or for worse)!
Skylar: Because I love to pretend like I could out-perform anyone on any competition show and yell at the TV about it.
Liz: Partially nostalgia—I grew up watching TLC. In my memory, I spent hours on the weekend binging Say Yes to the Dress or My Strange Addiction. It was fascinating to take a look at these people’s lives and satisfying to form opinions on things that had nothing to do with me. I still stand by my opinion that Pnina Tornai dresses are overpriced and tacky.
Sean: I absolutely love the drama of middle-aged women
Peyton: Shows true colors, high stakes, aligns people to work together or against each other when in real life they wouldn’t.
M: I love competition shows but dating shows are the ones I can talk about the most with friends!
Do you have a community—on or offline—that you discuss your favorite reality show(s) with?
Hallie: Yes! It varies depending on the show but I have friends who I’ve either told to watch something, who told me to watch something, or who I found out happens to be watching the same thing as me. It’s one of the best parts of being a reality TV girlie, seeing everyone’s different reactions to what goes on!
CN: My girlfriends!
Mikhala: Honestly, you are my community to talk about reality tv and pop culture with. I feel like judging Tom Sandoval might have made us closer🫶🏾. Before the world ends, we need to become reality show producers.
MD: Yes, I like when my friends recommend shows to me, it helps me feel like we are together even when we are physically apart.
MC: No, but I like to watch others’ debriefs on social media.
Lincoln: No not really.
Melanie: Friends and the Comments By Celebs Patreon community group on Facebook.
Blair: My friends! I also am slightly a lapsed Bach watcher but am a part of the Bachelor Geneva chat.
Dahlia: Yes I have a lot of friends that watch.
Hadley: My house all watches reality TV together, and will look at Twitter but rarely post.
Courtney: Yes! I started a group on Geneva to discuss the Bachelor franchise, called Bach Chat. I wanted to foster an online community as more of my IRL friends have fallen off from the franchise, and there is always so much to discuss.
CH: My friends! But nothing outside of a group chat or a happy-hour discussion.
Skylar: I love a good Bravo discussion with just about anyone.
Liz: Back when the Bachelor franchise was actually interesting TV, my friends and I would watch it together weekly. It was so nice to have a set weekly time to see friends and eat charcuterie—it almost didn’t even matter if we watched the show.
Sean: A few people here and there. I wish I had more people to talk about it with though.
Why do you think reality television has become and remains as popular as it is?
Hallie: There’s a mentality with reality TV that’s kind of like, “Hey, this could be me.” PARTICULARLY with those shows you apply to get on (i.e. House Hunters, or even something like Project Runway, whether you have a lick of design experience or not). I know I’ve watched Real Housewives or Selling Sunset before and thought, “Ok how do I bamboozle my way onto these rich bitch shows,” so it makes it both a little bit more relatable and also is a fun way to let your mind wander.
CN: It gives people some idea of what they should be doing, or they like to think about how they'd handle a situation.
Mikhala: People love to see drama and mess.
MC: I think social media and influencers have given height to communities that debrief these shows and the stars themselves now have a bigger presence. They also keep coming up with things somehow. And the classics—Survivor, Big Brother—find ways to reinvent themselves.
Lincoln: People love drama.
Blair: People are voyeuristic and are always wanting to know how other people live, especially those that live different lives than us (the famous, the wealthy, the addicted to eating their husband's ashes). As humans, gossip also brings us together. It is a tool to build social connections and reality shows give us gossip that is juicy but doesn't have to hurt us (a la Jen Shah!! The DRAMA without having to call our 6 lawyers from a sprinter van outside of Beauty Lab).
Dahlia: The drama. The nonsense.
Hadley: It’s almost a spectacle to some people, others find it as inspirational.
Courtney: Back when TV was our main screen of entertainment, reality TV was a window into another world. We didn’t have access to other people’s lives like we do now. So, reality TV acted like a form of escapism—something to love because it was so different from what we would normally see in our own lives.
While that is still true, I believe an accelerant to the popularity of reality TV today is the access we have to these reality TV stars AFTER the show and the access we have to BE these reality TV stars. With even more ways and platforms to consume content, largely in part to social media, these shows extend far beyond the 30-45 min episodes on a streaming service. All of the contestants are influencers on our phones, there are pop-up experiences where you can go meet the cast, and there are communities of people you can chat to about it without ever knowing what they actually look like IRL.
The internet has made these shows last longer, causing more demand from viewers, more demand from “normal people” aspiring to be influencers and more demand from networks to produce them.
CH: For the type of reality TV I enjoy most, it gives me permission to be nosey about other people’s lives! I get a sneak peek into this larger-than-life space (that I envy and wish that I had), and "involve" myself in their world for an hour a week.
Skylar: I think we really enjoy seeing “real” people on our screens in situations that we are either envious or contemptuous of. It makes us feel better about ourselves to know WE’RE not drunk and throwing up on television in front of millions of people, but also gives us things like wealth and love that we secretly (or openly) aspire towards. In reality TV we see mirrors of our own lives on grander scales.
Sean: We love to live vicariously through others.
What do you think is the main pro and the main con of reality television's popularity?
Hallie: I think one of the big pros—whether you’re a viewer or a cast member—is individuality. For the cast, it’s what they can say, what they wear, and what they create. For viewers, it’s having different points of view on something that happened, liking and relating to a certain character, or reacting differently than another viewer. This all happens when watching other forms of media, of course, but for scripted television sometimes you’re supposed to like one character and dislike another.
People get written as villains, heroes, or a mysterious third category, so you don’t necessarily get to consciously choose who to root for. On the other hand, social media has the ability to turn individualism into direct online attacks when characters we don’t like do something we see as bad or wrong, or even just if our favorite contestant doesn’t win. The way social media affects reality TV stars is definitely a con (unless you’re using it to attack Tom Sandoval because, duh).
Mikhala: The pro would be enjoyment. The cons really range. Jen Shah being on the Real Housewives of Salt Lake City was a con for everyone involved. The con would be overexposure.
MD: Pro: at its core, it’s entertaining to watch people live their lives. Con: it gives us an unrealistic view of what “reality” is.
MC: Pro: they’re entertaining. Con: they can set unrealistic standards for how life/love/happiness/etc should look like.
Lincoln: Main pro: it creates more entertainment. Main con: it’s kind of become an over-saturated market and reality shows are getting a little tired. Like it used to be about drama, but some newer reality shows have gotten pretty soft.
Melanie: Pro: something to talk shit about. Con: unrealistic lifestyle standards.
Blair: Pro: social connection, and it's fun seeing toxic behavior on BLAST. Con: seeing "realities" that aren't real, poor body image, and, for the people in these shows, a loss of privacy.
Dahlia: Pro: entertainment. Con: scripted.
CH: Pro: it is a good way to practice empathy. Not everything presented to us is real, and we don't know what happens behind closed doors very often, so just be nice! Con: I think reality TV often gives too much agency for people to be misogynistic.
AM: Pro: hashes out taboo subjects in the public eye. Con: perpetuating stupid stereotypes.
Skylar: I think we enter dangerous territory when people either on the internet or IRL think they’re entitled to give totally unfiltered opinions about serious things going on in reality stars’ lives. Getting a personal look into things really happening is the thing that makes reality TV compelling, but I think it gets easy to cross lines into bullying or parasocial relationships that get real weird, real fast.
Liz: Pro: can offer lighthearted escapism. Con: when watching “real” people, it’s easier for the viewer to feel like their own life is inadequate in comparison. (Another con: there’s just way too much reality TV period—I don’t have time to watch 8,000 episodes of Love Island!!)
Sean: Pro: getting to know celebrities’ authentic selves. Con: so much is scripted, you don’t know what to believe.
M: Pro: it is almost always made with excitement and fun at the center! Con: it’s addicting and could be unhealthy in large doses.
Which show or shows do you believe helped to make reality television as popular as it is, and why?
Hallie: RHOA 10000000000% (don’t come for me RHOC stans). Reality TV certainly would not be what it is today if it didn’t reflect, well, reality.
CN: Keeping Up With the Kardashians, Simple Life, 16 & Pregnant, and Jersey Shore.
Mikhala: I feel like it wasn’t a particular show, but I feel like dating shows really shook things up. I feel like people like to see romantic connections on screen.
MC: The Hills I think is the first time we really followed the lives of people, and I have really early memories of watching that. Then, of course, the Kardashians which combined scandals (OJ, sex tape) and storylines that kept people watching. I also think the classics that continue to churn out seasons like Big Brother, Amazing Race, and Survivor began as family shows (at least for me) and now I watch them independently and plan to bring them into my own family.
Lincoln: The Kardashians were the first reality show that created really rich stars. I’m not entirely why that show took off like it did because it’s honestly one of the more boring reality shows I’ve watched.
Melanie: I Love New York literally shaped a generation of women
Blair: I’ve been listening to the Housewives book so from that I learned that Project Runway (and blanking on others) were kind of the start, but I think KUWTK and Real Housewives definitely contributed to a BOOM. I feel like everyone has a show they watch, or at least does the dad move and stands near the TV while pretending not to care.
Dahlia: The Real World, Rock of Love, Keeping Up With the Kardashians.
Hadley: KUWTK- first super “invasive” reality tv show, American Idol- added a “talent” aspect, Bachelor- first of its kind, to my knowledge.
Courtney: There are so many longstanding reality TV shows you could point to as an answer for this, but generally I think streaming really helped make reality TV what it is today.
CH: OG Real Housewives and Flavor of Love I think are trailblazers
Skylar: It was The Real World, but after that, definitely Bravo.
Sean: RuPaul’s Drag Race—very inclusionary and groundbreaking.
Peyton: American Idol, Survivor, Kardashians, Jersey Shore.
M: I think Jersey Shore, Survivor, and Real Housewives of Orange County were gateway shows for a lot of people in their respective genres that made viewers want to see more of those kinds of stories and experiences play out! “Lightning in a bottle” shows that networks try to capture again and again.
Which reality show would you most like to be on, and why?
Hallie: The Amazing Race! My family and I used to watch this show every Sunday night, and we always joked about how my brother and I would be a horrible team, so I’d love to test it out with him someday.
CN: Love Island. I just want to tan for a while.
Mikhala: Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, because I want the truth about the black eye. I also think Lisa Barlow is hilarious.
MC: Love is Blind—I am such a big talker and love getting to know people (and this show does have some successes), so it would definitely be my first pick.
Lincoln: Jersey Shore all day baby. I just want to get paid to drink.
Melanie: Bad Girls Club. I just get the itch to start some shit, you know?
Blair: I have actually considered tanking my life so I can go on Queer Eye.
Dahlia: Real Housewives of New York, Summer House, or Below Deck.
Hadley: Are You the One? BECAUSE IT’S SO FUNNY!
Courtney: I don’t think I’d ever be on one, but if I had to choose, maybe The Circle
A) because I think I’d be good at it and
B) because it seems the least risky (in terms of my own mental health, vulnerability, and commitment).
CH: Some Real Housewives, Below Deck-style show. I think I can be opinionated, and sometimes lead with my emotions (for good and bad). I feel like I could live out a main character fantasy...but...I think I'm too anxious and feel guilt too much to ever be on TV.
Skylar: GBBO, because I think it’d be so fun.
Liz: Queer Eye because I want to hang out with them and I want Bobby to give me a free house makeover.
Sean: Jeopardy! because I am smart and very good at trivia.
Peyton: Big Brother.
M: I really think I could win Survivor. Would just have to get over my very serious fear of not having access to a real bathroom!
What would be your dream reality TV show to watch, and why?
Hallie: A QUEER VERSION OF THE BACHELOR/ETTE OR LOVE IS BLIND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I really feel like no explanation is needed here….
Mikhala: I want Tiffany Pollard on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
MC: Endless seasons of Survivor. It’s my favorite.
Lincoln: If there could just be 10 more seasons of the original Jersey Shore, that would be great for me. Or more franchises of the “thousand-pound” variety (sisters, best friends, etc.). Love that one as well.
Melanie: “Truman Show” me, see if I care.
Blair: Emily Sharp and Cat Take the Big City
Dahlia: Real Husbands of New Jersey!
CH: Some young 20-year-olds navigating a new life post-college in a new city, with new jobs, trying to make new friends and navigating romantic relationships, family, personal relationships, work...but, like, who aren't billionaires already.
Skylar: I want a lesbian Bachelorette season so bad.
Sean: Gay Bachelor—inclusion and representation are important!!!
What do you say in response to those who belittle reality television fans?
Hallie: Grow up!
CN: They haven't found a show they like yet.
Mikhala: The girls that get it, get it.
MD: Everyone is living their own life, and it’s hard to do it on camera for the world to see! I think we have to give people on reality shows some level of kindness
MC: My hobby doesn’t affect you. They’re entertaining, and they give me a break. They just haven’t found their own show yet :)
Lincoln: Making a good reality show is a skill. I used to work at a reality TV production company and I definitely learned a lot of stuff about the craft. Same with being a reality TV star—it takes a certain type of person and when people are good at it I have to give them credit. Not everyone can do it.
Melanie: Why do you carrreeeee??????????? Go watch sports or Succession.
Blair: You're such a fucking liar, Camille! We know you have one you watch…
Dahlia: Watch it. Everyone loves Below Deck.
Hadley: 😵💫👎🏻
Courtney: I’m actually going to be working on a piece about this for work, ironically.
But genuinely what I think it comes down to (and this is true for many other things beyond reality tv)…people love to shit on what women like. Point blank period. If hoards of women like something, it’s probably superficial. It’s probably stupid. It’s probably a waste of time.
And yet, men aren’t given the same reaction when they say they have a favorite sports team. I think the predominantly male fandom for sports can be equated to the predominantly female fandom for reality TV. Who is to say a love for either of those things is more valid than the other? There are many reality tv shows that require skill, strategy, and intelligence in the same way sports do. There is a level of knowledge, passion, and dedication reality TV fans and sports fans need to have to be a part of their communities.
Don’t yuck other people’s yum. Loving reality TV does not make you any less smart or respectable than a sports fan or any other person.1
CH: "Get off my jock."
Skylar: In the wise words of every character on Succession: Fuck off.
Liz: Why on earth do you care? Just mind your own business
Sean: Mind your business and stay away from me.
Peyton: Grow up you twat! You ain’t watching National Geographic—you’re not better than me.
M: Get a grip! You just haven’t found the show for you yet!
Is there anything else you'd like to add?
CN: Sports are definitely reality TV. Everything is about money.
Lincoln: The people I worked with in reality tv production were EVIL. Just like really really mean evil horrible people. So maybe something to keep in mind when watching—view responsibly.
Melanie: LIVE AND LET MOTHER FUCKING LIVE
Dahlia: More James Kennedy.
Courtney: Sports is a form of reality TV AND reality TV is a form of sport.
Liz: Listening to Emily explain reality TV is better than watching it myself, in my opinion.
Sean: Bring Back Lisa Rinna!!!
What would be your one-line Real Housewives style tagline?
Hallie: When life gives you lemons, slice ‘em up and throw them in a hot toddy.
CN: Like hey girl be fucking for real.
Mikhala: Stand on my money, I’m 10 feet tall.
Lincoln: Has anyone seen my pills? I really need my pills.
Melanie: I’m a Gemini and both of my personalities don’t like you.
Blair: I love my dog, but not bitches.
Dahlia: Let’s get Stoney bologna and drunky monkey.
Hadley: You can’t make a Tomlette without breaking a few Gregs.
Courtney: I don’t cut corners to get what I want but I will cut ties.
CH: I don’t usually do bareback, but I will always have yours.
Sean: I’m a workaholic by day, and an alcoholic by night.
Peyton: I️ don’t always do it, but when I️ do, I️ breathe through my nose.
Emily: I’m not the president, but I could be if you like, subscribe, and share this post.
Thank you so much to everyone who responded to this survey!!!! Reality TV is so fun and I had an amazing time putting this piece together!!!!
In Brian Moylan’s The Housewives: The Real Story Behind the Real Housewives, referenced earlier in t’s piece by Blair, the author actually highlights a number of stats that showed the majority of those watching reality TV (and the Housewives franchise, in particular) are actually professionally accomplished individuals who cite relaxation after work as their main reason for consuming this form of television.
Case in point: don’t judge a viewer by their show.