Real Housewives of Setting Boundaries
Alyssa Van Arsdale could do Andy Cohen’s job, but Andy could never do E4P. (He is invited, though. Andy— you have a standing invitation!!!!)
It’s that time of year again: the leaves are changing color, Starbucks has debuted their 2021 cups, it literally went from 75 to 40 degrees in a single week here in New York. Shout out climate change!!!!
The holidays often bring a mixed bag of emotions for everyone, especially this year as it is the first time festivities are resuming in person for a number of families and communities. What could be better than ringing in this season with a conversation about how to put up boundaries and kindly tell those invading your physical, emotional, or mental space to fuck off?? (I personally have no idea which is how we ended up here.)
This week, I talked with Alyssa Van Arsdale about how to set healthy boundaries with your family during the holidays, ways to stand strong when protecting your energy, and, of course, what is the best Thanksgiving food (by the way, there are right and wrong answers to this question).
We also had a side conversation about Friday’s verdict in the Kyle Rittenhouse case which, while unsurprising given everything about America, was still incredibly hard to watch.
Everyone’s intros have been getting better each week. Here’s Alyssa’s in its entirety:
Alyssa is a pancake enthusiast and yoga instructor in San Francisco California. She also has a full time job at Pinterest where she lives out her middle school dreams. As a former psych major and current therapy patient, she is particularly passionate about child development, family relationships, and how to be a little less messed up. Fun facts below:
Seattle born & raised (go hawks)
Emory University graduate (go eags)
Aunt to two sweet baby nieces
Will steal your golden retriever
Passion for fashion
Probably listening to a true crime podcast right now
Deeply afraid of sparkling water
Something Ritten
On Friday, 18-year-old and guy voted most likely to skip prom to commit murder Kyle Rittenhouse was acquitted of five criminal charges, including two homicide and three reckless endangerment charges, after killing two men and wounded a third at a protest in Kenosha, WI last year. His defense hinged on his claim that he acted in self-defense, and it worked.
There are no funny jokes to make about the Kyle Rittenhouse case that aren’t immediately demoralizing; the easiest one would be to make a comment about him being an ugly crier, but so is Brett Kavanaugh and their stupid tears worked out for the both of them.
Before we dive into today’s piece, I wanted to include me and Alyssa’s side chat about what happened last Friday and how to take it to the Thanksgiving table:
Emily: What are your thoughts about the verdict in the Rittenhouse case?
Alyssa: It’s utterly Rottenhouse (I’m so sorry). [Emily’s note: the tally now stands at one funny Rittenhouse joke.]
While I’ve gathered that this outcome is what most legal experts anticipated, I’m not over the fact that we let a 17-year-old get away with cosplaying as an armed EMT. I think what upsets me most —besides the obvious fact that innocent people had to die so a teenager with a hero complex could live out his supremacist fantasy for a night— is the precedent it sets in the minds for other (likely white, male) problematic individuals to take what they deem justice into their own hands and for the criminal legal system to continue to let them get away with it.
In my opinion, there is a preponderance of evidence that he is liable for this crime. Civilly, he should be tried for these offenses. I hope he spends his life in insurmountable debt since he can’t rot in prison.
Emily: How can we start productive conversations about this topic to show members of our families who may support Rittenhouse and his opinions how they actively harm others?
Alyssa: This may be a stretch but this would be my opinion/tactic— I can imagine that most people who support him are also huge supporters of law enforcement. If you frame it to say that there are real police officers and healthcare workers who are trained to do the job he used as grounds to enter that situation (caveat that these careers need systematic rehaul for a multitude of reasons), it may shed some light to the principle of the matter itself, rather than on his intentions in the moment of shooting people.
Your relative may be right that he was not guilty of muder based on self defense, but you should ask them how far they think the law should go to protect someone when they actively (and fraudulently) put themselves in a volatile situation.
Emily: Follow up— is there any way to show someone with these beliefs that they are harmful without getting shut down?
Alyssa: I think the best way to teach someone is to let them prove your argument for you.
It’s about asking thoughtful, leading, and calm questions rather than telling someone what is right or wrong. And if they can’t get there in that one conversation, don’t be quick to demonize them. When you do, you’re almost assuring they’ll do everything they can to double down. I take a similar approach to hard emotional conversations.
I come at it from a place of “This is how this makes me feel. Did you mean to make me feel that way?” rather than, “This is what you did, and you should feel bad.”
Based on certain reactions, claims, and now articles coming out from Rittenhouse’s supporters, it’s clear that while a verdict has been reached, the case is far from over.
Back to Our Regularly Schedule Mental Health Programming
To answer my therapist’s inevitable question: yes, it is a little ironic that I —a woman who would bulldoze her own boundaries, then set them on fire and then send them out to sea on a leaky ship if it meant confirming that I was not hated or even vaguely disliked by someone— am writing this today. However, the first step toward change is recognizing and admitting you have a problem so… progress?
Basically, if you couldn’t gather it from context clues or daytime TV, setting boundaries “is a life skill that has been popularized by self-help authors and support groups since the mid-1980s. It is the practice of openly communicating and asserting personal values as a way to preserve and protect against having them compromised or violated” (X). Setting boundaries at work could mean not responding to emails past a certain hour; with friends, it could mean saying no to plans that would stress you out; with family, it could mean not talking about anything from a lifetime of qualms, including by not limited to whether or not Ramona Singer is racist.
To kick things off, I asked Alyssa:
Emily: Mental health— thoughts on that?
Alyssa: Just a silly goofy mood!!!! All I really have to say is get a therapist so that you’re not the reason another person needs one. Xoxo
Emily: What is the most divisive topic at the Thanksgiving table and why did you say politics?
Alyssa: I really thought we were gonna say why Kim Kardashian is dating Pete Davidson but I guess we can talk about the fact that I replaced my grandpa’s “Make America Great Again” hats with “Make America Gay Again” hats instead.
To my family: if you’re reading this, no you didn’t. Let me eat my mashed potatoes in liberal peace.
Emily: Why is boundary setting so important regardless of what time of year it is?
Alyssa: Boundaries only work in the challenging times if you maintain them in the easy times. I believe it's best to put in the work to fortify them before you end up needing them the most, so that respect is consistently bolstered at baseline and they are strong enough to withstand challenge.
Along the same lines (not that anyone asked but I do love to read myself talk, I guess), I feel that therapy is most effective tool to prepare yourself before the hardest times hit because you’ll have the greatest capacity to be introspective and thus don’t have to enter a challenging cycle at an emotional deficit.
We Are Family!!! Until You Start Coming For Me!!! (sung 100% in tune with the song)
Ah, families: you can’t live with them.1
Correct me if I’m wrong, but it has always felt as if there is an unspoken agreement in America that you are obligated to love your family no matter what and that if you don’t, you’re ungrateful and wrong (I don’t know where this conditioning originated so I’m just going to blame the patriarchy to be safe).
I’m in a fortunate position where I do genuinely love my family most of the time (they are, of course, the people who steal extra pairs of socks from hospitals because I almost exclusively wear them). But why does that weird sense of commitment remain when the people you are expected to commit to don’t respect you, your beliefs, or even your existence?
I asked Alyssa:
Emily: Why does boundary-setting feel messier when it's with family?
Alyssa: It is a socially reinforced virtue to be a “family-oriented” individual. Like, don't get me wrong… of course I find it hot when a guy on Hinge says family matters most to him and pops a pic up on his profile of him holding his niece. But when I take a step back from seeking internet validation from randos, I find that I truly believe that your family is what you make it to be and nobody is required to stay in your life.
I’ve found that most people feel the opposite. They maintain an unconditional obligation to their blood relatives despite how badly and repeatedly they prove they shouldn’t be in their lives. The best and worst part of family is that they are the people who know you the best and are supposed to love you the most, which leaves vulnerability for them to cut you the deepest.
When we societally prioritize an unequivocal love for our families, we don’t build up that love on an emotional foundation, just a biological one. As we mature and grow, we finally recognize how critical it is to foster that emotional rapport for our own health. Throwing a boundary in there so late feels almost vindictive and utterly antithetical to the very cultural tradition of family.
Emily: Is there any way to politely tell a family member their toxic energy is bringing down the vibe in the room?
Alyssa: I think when you focus on communicating how you feel, rather than pointing fingers at how someone is behaving, it detracts from the conflict and reminds them that you are a person they love and the way they act affects you.
Even if they are being a straight-up rude ass mf ding dong, telling them that outright won’t ease any tensions and will probably make you feel worse than you think it will. There is a way to openly defend yourself and stand your ground while also making sure you are not contributing to further animosity. When you don’t take the moment to step aside and address that toxicity in a calm but steady manner, your hurt will likely precipitate in passive and incendiary ways to perpetuate it.
During our chat with Sandra Etuk a few months ago, I mentioned how at some holiday gatherings, I would find myself having to defend against what some family members thought of my beliefs rather than why I believed them and would get exasperated as a result. While Sandra (rightly) argued that having in-person conversations was a more productive form of activism than posting infographics on social media, I realized that I put up a boundary when talking about politics in certain spaces— despite, you know, doing all of this.
In an effort to make everything about me always, I asked Alyssa:
Emily: Is it reasonable to set boundaries based on political differences? (aka: Is it better to hear the other side or stop potentially toxic conversations in their tracks?)
Alyssa: I don’t think there is one right way to discuss politics or set boundaries for such discussions. Given that politics are so intertwined with our core values and priorities and those priorities differ so drastically from person to person, everyone has their own individualized limit of how, when, and why to discuss a political disagreement.
Your boundaries for this subject may look very different with different people, and it's ok to test those limits with one another and learn where you need to brace those boundaries so long as you respect that there may be off-limit subjects or divergent boundaries with whoever you are speaking with. If you do not want to have someone in your life that holds entirely different beliefs on a political issue than you, that is okay. It is your life to live and the characters in your story are yours to write.
Either way, if you dive into these discussions in a deep manner with anyone you love, prepare yourself to be able to separate it from how they make you feel as a person in your life. If they make you feel happy and loved, their belief in a particular political ideology shouldn't invalidate that foundation you have already built. That doesn’t mean they have to stay in your life moving forward if that is a non-negotiable, but be sure to give yourself time and space to make these choices out of respect for what this person has meant to you.
In the same respect, you are allowed to keep people in your life that find value in different ideologies. I personally feel that we are allowed to have different friendships that serve different purposes and if you continue to enjoy the time and attention you get with someone (albeit likely in a more casual setting than others who your values align with more strongly), you can maintain it at that level as a healthy boundary. Not everyone has to be your best friend and most trusted confidante.
An Irish Goodbye to Arms
Fine! I’ll admit it!! I do the thing that Alyssa recommends not doing later in this section (which is Irish goodbye-ing when you set a boundary with someone instead of telling them why you feel the way you feel). But in my defense, that shit is hard!!!
Not only do you have to grapple with the affect someone else is having on you (and likely, if you’re setting a boundary, that affect is not a positive one), you have now have to face them and potentially have them deny how you’re feeling as it doesn’t fit with their view of themselves. It only gets trickier when it’s someone you’re familially bound to.
But since we’re looking at healthy ways to deal with all of this, I asked Alyssa:
Emily: What are some ways to handle a family member who is not respecting a boundary? What are some ways to deal with anyone who disrespects a boundary?
Alyssa: I am no therapist, but from personal experience, I find putting things in writing to be extremely valuable. It gives you time to ensure that you are communicating your boundary clearly while also confirming that you are coming from a place of love and care.
Of course, setting boundaries is in the business of emotion, but boundaries are most effective when you can sift out a lot of emotional noise and speak from a strong and respectable place. When you’re in the heat of a discussion or offering someone the opportunity to ask questions in the middle of your boundary-setting conversations, you can lose sight of what you know you logically need.
Even before someone violates a boundary, it’s critical to establish whether or not that violation is something you have space for. People make mistakes, it’s okay to remind them. But you know what they say, three strikes & you’re out sweets.
Emily: What's your favorite way to cut a toxic bitch out of your life?
Alyssa: Snip snip, honey!
While not everyone is receptive to hearing the truth, I feel that everyone deserves the opportunity to understand and cultivate closure when two people part ways. Not all will be receptive to listening to your truth of why you need to move on, but they deserve the opportunity nonetheless. It’s important to note that honesty without compassion is cruelty. No matter how horribly someone has treated us, we can all agree that we never want them to treat someone else like that again.
When you Irish goodbye out of someone’s life, you rob them of the opportunity of learning and growing from the role they played in your life.
Emily: Are you ever at fault for setting a healthy boundary?
Alyssa: Emphasis is on *healthy* here, but ideally no. If you feel that this is something you need to keep someone as a part of your life, you should never feel guilty about advocating for yourself. If someone can't meet that expectation, that’s a sign that they shouldn’t be a part of your life, not that you forging a healthy boundary is wrong.
Be mindful of what you need and what you deserve, and if you’re setting boundaries with intention and holistic compassion then there is no reason to feel at fault if someone can’t handle that.
And on that note…
Thank you so so SO much to Alyssa for not only answering the questions for our planned piece but for also being down to have a hard conversation on the fly. She’s one of the absolute kindest, most hardworking, and coolest people I know— go let her influence you on IG!!!!
There’s no E4P next week so I wanted to take this little time here on Thanksgiving Eve (ish) to say how grateful I am for everyone who has supported this endeavor, either by being a guest or just by subscribing and reading each week. This really makes Mondays suck so much less than they used to!!!!
Some food for thought before you all go (to the deteriment of my fantastic Irish exit joke but the benefit of that cheeky Thanksgiving food pun):
Emily: Best Thanksgiving food?
Alyssa: It's all about the sides. The elite know that baby, Turkey IS the problem of Thanksgiving. It's the reason the meal is delayed and that oven fires happen and that people get too tired to rally for a good game night afterward.
I’m team stuffing because it's a good balance of protein, carbs & butter. My three priority food groups.
I’ll allow for stuffing even though we know the #1 Thanksgiving food is the combo deal of mashed potatoes with gravy on top. There is absolutely nothing better than this and I’ll set a boundary protecting me from anyone who tries to argue against this.
This joke killed when I said it out loud to an empty room.