For Love (Sex with a Porn Star) and Money ($1)
The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward Goop
As I write this, I am watching Donald Trump’s motorcade slowly snaking around Florida roads in a route that was either designed just for grandiosity and his fans or was laid out by Waze to avoid tolls. It is a little surreal in the sense that the scene feels like a plotline in Veep, complete with Trump getting on a red, white, and blue plane with his name written across it, and the little Carrie Bradshaw voice in my head won’t stop saying, “I couldn’t help but wonder…what the literal fuck is going on?”
In fairness, a part of me is thrilled by Trump’s recent indictment and the potential for accountability and decency at long last, sir. It’s the same part of me that let out a giggle when I first saw that picture of Anita Bryant getting pied in the face and sat like this all day when Andrew Tate was arrested:
This is clearly so different and more significant than all of the other “gotcha” moments we’ve had with Trump over the past (holy shit) eight years and that fact alone is a little fun—comeuppance is fun!!!!
But then the rest of me remembers sitting in this exact spot on this exact couch staring at this exact TV the last time Trump faced any shred of comeuppance on January 6th and the thrill of the past few days starts to feel a little murkier. I don’t mean to be a killjoy but I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. He’s making this a little too easy, which makes me wonder if there’s another coup around the corner.
If it’s not clear by now, we’re going to look at what is going on with Trump’s recent indictment, what the precedent is here, and what many are predicting could happen next. And because I am me, we also have to talk about what happened last week with my best frenemy, Gwyneth, because, I fear, these two groundbreaking legal developments will forever be entwined.
First Comes Indictment, Then Comes Arraignment, Then Comes a Baby in a Baby Carriage
By now, you would have had to have been on a Wild-style Eat, Pray, Love wilderness retreat for the past week to not have heard that on Thursday, a grand jury convened by the Manhattan district attorney’s office voted to indict former President Trump. You may be wondering, “Shit, which investigation was this for?” which is a valid question because, as we covered back in August, Donald Trump is involved in more lawsuits than every Real Housewife ever combined.
The case this indictment stems from is whether the hush-money payments Trump’s former lawyer and man-I-would-like-to-see-on-a-Jersey-Shore-style-reality-TV-show Michael Cohen made on Trump’s behalf to Stephanie Clifford (Stormy Daniels) in 2016 violated campaign finance laws.
As the story goes, Clifford and another woman named Karen McDougal were each going to go public with the stories of their affairs with Trump but were paid off. McDougal was allegedly paid by the National Enquirer who bought her story as a part of a catch-and-kill scheme. Clifford, however, was allegedly paid by Cohen directly, and “prosecutors said that Trump Organization executives were involved in reimbursing Mr. Cohen for that payment, accepting his phony invoices that listed it as a legal expense” (X).
Blah blah blah, we know this. What’s new? Why now?
Remember when I talked about how much I loved grand larceny in our bigger conversation around the Trump Organizations financial boohoos? This is actually part of that.
Think about all of Trump’s financial investigations as the entirety of The White Lotus Cinematic Universe: every individual storyline is uniquely weird and bad, but they’re all interconnected. Each of the investigations is looking into the ways Trump used, spent, shared, and hid money behind the wall of his company, and, riding this analogy on a dead horse into the sunset, this hush-money case is like Tanya falling off the boat.
After Allen Weisselberg plead guilty to 15 felonies (INCLUDING grand larceny) and the Trump Organization was convicted in a tax fraud investigation towards the end of last year—which we’ll consider the Connie Britton narrative arc of investigations because it was dramatic, sure, but inevitable—the Manhattan district attorney, Alvin Bragg, impaneled a grand jury to look into the significance of the hush-money payments to Clifford.
The implication here is that new information about the already not great hush-money payments was uncovered during these other investigations and the DA’s office wanted to see if they were bad enough to press charges. Keep in mind, when I say “already not great,” I mean Cohen previously “pleaded guilty to federal charges in 2018, including campaign finance violation related to that payment” (X).
Cohen has previously said he arranged the hush money payoff at Trump’s direction; he told Congress that he was reimbursed for the $130,000 while Trump was in office, with the then president personally signing checks each month. Asked why the reimbursement was spread out over approximately a year’s time instead of being taken care of in one fell swoop, Cohen said it was “in order to hide what the payment was,” and that it was meant to “look like a retainer.” And Trump, he testified under oath, “knew about everything” (X).
Why this is all coming to a head now is not 100% clear because we don’t yet know what information led to it. But since Bragg impaneled—which is just fancy legalese for assembled—a grand jury back in January, he and his prosecutors have been fueling rumors about the certainty of an indictment, albeit in the most “will they won’t they” way. This then led to Trump posting on Truth Social last month that he was going to be “indicated” well before the grand jury voted to indict him.
Then just last week, prosecutors seemed to be trying to quiet the rumors by not calling the grand jury to meet on certain days and saying they would reconvene the panel in April for a final vote on an indictment before dropping the bombshell on Thursday. This fake out even apparently caught Trump’s aides and base by surprise, which is shocking since I thought through QAnon, they knew everything…or maybe that’s Tom Cruise and Scientology. I can’t keep my cults straight.
Anyway, that’s how we ended up here today with Trump flying back to New York from Florida to turn himself in for arraignment at exactly 2:15 pm EST tomorrow. An indictment means charges are filed against a defendant, an arraignment is when the defendant is arrested and the charges are read out loud, and a trial is what Gwyneth Paltrow just won in Utah. As for where this could inevitably be heading, you have to bear with me for a minute.
THIS WILL BE BRIEF AND PAINLESS BUT WE HAVE TO TALK ABOUT ROY COHN AGAIN!!!!!
Obviously, no one wants to indict a president but if I had to pick one to indict, I would also have picked Trump. It’s hard not to want to catch the guy who has grown so smug about getting away with everything. I’m not going to do what all the girls expect me to do and wax poetic about what Trump has learned from Roy Cohn and this and that because I actually want to look at the one thing Trump has never learned (fake out pt. 2).
It is so very obvious fact that Trump has fashioned his getaway car approach to legal accountability after Roy to an embarrassing degree. Yet, in a 2019 Politico article, Michael Kruse interviewed Matt Tyrnauer, one of Cohn’s two documentarians. The piece centered around the Cohnian lessons Trump internalized and how he still hasn’t seemed to process the very last one Roy had to offer: despite all the bravado and narrative spinning and the Pyrrhic victories that got no one anything or anywhere, Cohn didn’t actually “win” in the end.
He died of a disease he was too scared to admit he had, was disbarred and exiled from the one thing he probably ever genuinely loved, and has gone down in history as a villain instead of a hero like Trump is in all of his stories. As Tyrnauer says in the piece, “‘He got away with it…until he didn’t.’”
And yet, Cohn believed himself successful until his dying day. As records indicate, he blamed his disbarment not on his wrongdoing but on other’s vendettas (sound familiar?), and only after he died and his medical records were published was there ever any confirmation that Roy died of AIDS-related complications rather than lung cancer as he had claimed.
I say all of this because I think, regardless of how serious this case gets, there will also never be any real accountability from Trump. Which yeah, no shit, but the issue with that is Trump has something Roy never did: rabid followers who believe in him above all else. The danger of Trump never admitting defeat regardless of the verdict of this or any other trial is how he can—and will—spin the narrative, and what his fans will do as a result.
We know he’s likely going to do a whole “collusion persecution” bit when he turns himself in at the, again, oddly specific time of 2:15 pm tomorrow, and that both he and some of his elected supporters have already begun using the indictment to generate campaign donations from their bases because we learn nothing in real-time.
What I’m trying to get at is this: yes, this is unprecedented and a little (extremely) funny, but because an indictment does not prevent Trump’s candidacy in 2024 and, clearly, anything that happens in this campaign finance case will not change how Trump and his menagerie of America’s weirdest people raise funds, I don’t quite know what else we’re going to get out of this other than personal vindication and moral satisfaction.
Perhaps I’d feel more hopeful in another universe where movements and elections and progress changed things, but instead, in this one, people like Marjorie Taylor Greene get to sanitize her violence on 60 Minutes in an effort to appeal to the one person left in America who hasn’t heard of her. I titled my thesis Roy Cohn’s America which has become so ironic because even though it didn’t shake out this way for Cohn himself, it’s clear that he helped craft a country where history is written by those most determined to tell their version of their stories, whether or not their accounts are factual or safe or sane.
On that Debbie Downer of a note…
As They Always Say, “If You’re Indicted, You’re Invited!”
Anyone who has sat through a Law & Order marathon knows that a grand jury is like a trial as to whether there could and should even be a trial. If a grand jury decides enough funny business took place, that would lead to an indictment, or charges being formally brought against a defendant.
This is the easy part, according to former Vice President Mike Pence on CNN last Thursday: he shared that in law school, he learned legal precedents established by the Supreme Court can and should be overturned based on blurred lines between church and state that were never very well drawn to begin with, though what he actually said was, “You can indict a ham sandwich.” Only 12 of 23 members of the grand jury panel needed to vote to indict for charges to be brought though, to my knowledge, the exact number of how this specific jury voted has not been released yet so we don’t know exactly how convincing the evidence is.
When Trump is arraigned tomorrow, the 34 felonies being brought against him will be unsealed and we’ll all see what the hell is going on. As former Manhattan assistant district attorney James Zirin explains in the first few minutes of this absolutely riveting and fast-paced CSPAN interview from last month, though we don’t quite yet know the specifics, the charges pertain to “a clear case of falsification of business records with an underlying crime which enhances the charge to a felony.”
As for the mugshot and the handcuffs and the police custody anyone who has sat through a Law & Order marathon is also familiar with—the gossipy stuff for social media and conservative college students’ dorm room posters, if we’re calling it what it is—all of that is TBD. Because presidents have Secret Service protection for life, Trump “is not expected to be handcuffed, since he will be surrounded by federal agents” (X). According to a CBS News piece,
Trump will likely arrive through a nonpublic entrance, where he would then be in police custody and technically under arrest…After they surrender, defendants are processed behind closed doors, have their mugshots taken and are fingerprinted before being escorted to a courtroom for arraignment.
Whether or not the mugshots are taken, as well as whether or not they are released to the public for free or sold as NFTs on Trump’s website to raise money for his 2024 campaign, is not clear, though it appears to be unlikely. Speaking of 2024, it’s important to note that not only do these proceedings not bar Trump from running for office, but if the case goes to trial, it likely won’t be resolved before the election.
I say if the case goes to trial because, in the Roy Cohn School of Law, you should try to avoid going to trial as much as possible. The defense has the option to ask for a bench trial “which does not involve a jury and is conducted by the judge alone” (X). That doesn’t seem totally likely given the fact that the judge presiding over this case, Judge Juan Merchan, also presided over the Trump Organization case and Trump has already argued that Merchan hates him.
The other move that could be likely is a countersuit filed by Trump’s team. For what or when that could happen, I can’t even begin to predict, but counterattacking and countersuing is the second legal commandment Roy passed down to his protégé. As for conviction and sentencing, it’s unlikely that we’ll be anywhere near either of those anytime soon. In a piece last week for Vanity Fair, Bess Levin explained that
while a conviction is in no way a sure thing, should he be found guilty, Trump could go to prison for up to four years. Asked earlier this month if he would drop out of the 2024 presidential race if he were to be indicted, the ex-president and current presidential candidate responded: “I wouldn’t even think about leaving,” adding that criminal charges would “probably…enhance my numbers” (X).
So now, we wait. Maybe some among us will reflect as Jonathan Chait did on Thursday for Intelligencer, but that might be too much to ask of those prone to shooting first and asking for thoughts and prayers after.
One thread from this weird tapestry I haven’t seen pulled too much since the hush-money story first broke in 2018 is how we’ve come to view and discuss Stormy Daniels throughout all of this. Not necessarily what she thinks of each new development or why she still shared her story, but how we talk about women who we typically don’t know how to talk about: sex workers, for one, as well as women who aren’t quick to back down from a fight.
Maybe more on that later. For now, there’s enough to focus on with safety concerns in New York City tomorrow, whether or not cameras will be permitted in the courtrooms as this case advances, and how this could affect the ongoing investigation into Trump in Georgia.
Tomorrow’s going to be a wild day, partially sunny with craziness peaking at exactly 2:15 pm EST.
Thy Cup Goopeth Over
Finally, the section everyone has been waiting for.
It’s so funny to me and everyone who is chronically online that news of Trump’s indictment and Gwyneth Paltrow’s innocence in a civil trial were announced at almost exactly the same time on Thursday.
If you were not watching the trial of the century (“for women and gay men, specifically,” according to The Cut) with bated breath each day like I was, the gist of it all is that some guy named Dr. Terry Sanderson filed a lawsuit claiming that in 2016, Gwyneth skied into him and knocked him over. Sanderson argues this caused a concussion that has ruined his personality, social life, and ability to enjoy wine.
Gwyneth, a graduate of the Roy Cohn School of Law, countersued for $1 and legal fees.
The proceedings of the trial were wild: Gwyneth was asked about her friendship with Taylor Swift, her ski outfits, and the fact that she shouted at Sanderson, “You skied into my effing back.” Her children chose to have their testimonies read by lawyers instead of showing up themselves. The attorneys were clearly starstruck by thee Blythe Danner’s daughter and acted as such. Craziest of all, Vogue wrote a piece about her court fashion which could be a harbinger of the end times but is also a massive slay.
Ultimately, the case was decided in Gwyneth’s favor, which apparently took the jury less than 20 minutes to decide. Not satisfied with how viral the case had already become, our Almond Mom leaned into Dr. Sanderson on her way out of the courtroom and whispered:
The drama???? Shakespeare in Love, your days are numbered.
Anyway, if you’re curious as to why I included a section of me being absolutely gagged over this insanely bizarre and unnecessary trial just a week after Gwyneth went viral for claiming only eat (drink?) bone broth for lunch and after I spent so long going on about Trump, it’s simply because we all need some joy in this life.
We need a little pure innocent fun without turning it into drama that could actually impact us, like a second January 6th occurring in Midtown Manhattan would. We need something enjoyable that doesn’t have an asterisk next to it reminding us that the villains of our world will never truly be held accountable, or that our legal system has so many loopholes that men who have been involved in over 3,500 lawsuits know how to exploit, or that democracies don’t last much longer than ours has.
We needed something unconditionally good, and goddammit if Gwyneth didn’t put her whole Goopussy (jade vagina egg) on the line to give us that!!!! Let this woman enjoy her $1 victory and bone broth, and maybe throw her a ticker tape parade or something!!!!
Democracy dies in darkness and sanity dies without petty celebrity gossip, and that’s why Gwyneth Paltrow is my hero...for now. We’ll revisit this sentiment when she starts hawking her disordered eating diet again but that’s a conversation for another time.
I’m going to start taking advantage of all Substack has to offer, and will be launching an Emily For President chat to discuss tomorrow’s developments in real-time. To be a part of the conversation, download the Substack app and click the little chat button at the bottom. It’ll be like one big group chat for fun people who are incredibly scared of imminent and potential violence!!!! See you there 🫶