FOMO and the City
If even just one of you tries to make a Momo joke, I will delete this entire newsletter.
If you were betting that I was going to talk about the January 6th Congressional Hearing this week, just know I love to keep the people on their toes. Instead, we’re going to brace ourselves for the second-worst part of summer (after last year’s aforementioned worst part of summer): everyone else’s Instagram.
Why enjoy your vacation when you can compare it to your friend from high school’s who you have talked to since 2018? Decided to stay in on a Saturday only to obsess over your co-worker’s Snapchats from a party? Convinced everyone is having a better time living their life than you?
Congratulations! You have
To be sure, FOMO is not a summer-specific thing but between vacations, graduations, new jobs, and relationship hard launches, all of our social media feeds will feel exceptionally full of people doing cool things between May and August. Moreover, the feelings of FOMO hit all of us at some point or another (don’t act above it!!!!!), so I thought it was important to discuss it at some point—might as well be as we head into the heart of summer.
This week, I’m joined by longtime fan, first-time guest Hailey Karten to talk about the different seasons of FOMO, why we feel so much pressure to share the highlights of our lives, and how she finds her girlboss queener confidence on and offline.
Hailey graduated in 2021 from the Harvard of the South and currently resides in the Big Apple. Her credentials on the subject include her most viewed video on TikTok (at 200k+!) being taken down by community guidelines, the use of FaceTune from 2014-2018, and early 2010s Tumblr. Her favorite activities include trying new restaurants and rating them on the Beli app, watching MTV’s Catfish, and going to hot yoga at Equinox (and always talking about how obsessed she is with Equinox).
Her career is listed as “Analyst at Citi” on Hinge so the banking bros think she works the late hours that they do, but in actuality, she works in Credit Card Acquisition Marketing.1
A Joke? To Start? Groundbreaking.
Hailey: You didn’t give me a FMK so I’m giving myself three:
Fuck college, marry post-grad, kill high school.
Fuck Instagram, marry TikTok, kill Snapchat.
Fuck espresso martinis, marry dirty gin martinis, kill dirty vodka martinis
Emily For President: for the people, by the people.
My Friends Online
Although more specific research on Gen Z and social media needs to be conducted, the general consensus is that the majority of the people reading this are actively on social media: according to the 2021 Pew Research Social Media report, “some 84% of adults ages 18 to 29 say they ever use any social media sites… By comparison, a somewhat smaller share of those ages 50 to 64 (73%) say they use social media sites, while fewer than half of those 65 and older (45%) report doing this.”
Something that is almost as unsurprising as this data is the fact that our social media habits change as we age. When I was in high school, I was vlogging on YouTube (don’t ask—you’re not getting it); when I was in college, I started Mems Edits on Instagram; now, two years post-grad, I predominantly use TikTok for sounds to get Cat out from under my bed. People grow and change!
With this notion of evolution in mind, I asked Hailey:
Emily: How does social media evoke a sense of FOMO in our social lives? How does it vary between college and post-grad, or campuses and those who move to cities after graduating?
Hailey: In college, everyone is often on a pretty even playing field. On a Friday night, you have only a few options: go out to a frat, go out to a bar, or stay in. If you choose to stay in, you’re just not going to have that Snapchat story of you playing pong with Natty Light—which honestly was a big deal as a freshman in college in 2017—but isn’t a huge loss overall.
However, in a city, the options are endless: bars, clubs, dinners (both casual and fancy), nights in alone, nights in with friends, low-key nights, high-key nights—it is easier to feel bombarded by the different options and feel like you picked the wrong one. There’s almost internal pressure rather than from those frat house stories, and more questioning if you’re doing the right thing by staying in for your own social happiness rather than to prove to others.
Emily: Do you think social media become more or less performative after college?
Hailey: They’re so different but maybe a little more compared to most of college. I feel like social media post-grad is very similar to freshman year of college.
As a freshman, I wanted to prove to the people I went to high school with that I am thriving, have friends, am cool, and living my best life (in my Adidas Superstars on an elevated surface of a frat basement).
Now it’s the same—just to prove to the people I went to college with that I am thriving, have friends, am cool, and living my best life (in those strappy heeled sandals from Zara that are all over TikTok while I hold my third $18 espresso martini).
Emily: What are some of the obligatory social media milestone posts? What are they for, and how do they make you feel?
Hailey: I feel like it’s easy to go straight to the Instagram posts with this. Graduation, vacations, engagements, and weddings. All of those totally are valid milestones and are so exciting to celebrate and share. I feel like the “I got a job!” LinkedIn post can be a struggle for many as it seems like the ultimate post for a 20-something starting out their life.
To be totally transparent, I got my job offer following my junior-senior year summer internship position that I was offered in my sophomore year. I felt almost guilty posting that I got a full-time offer in my ideal program in the middle of a pandemic. It was hard for me to feel proud of myself and I also didn’t want to be “triggering” to others that were struggling with the hiring process. I feel like it is more challenging to find that professional balance in a networking space like LinkedIn.
Isn’t social media supposed to be about connections, forming a loving, caring global community that has its eyes open to the world around it?
Maybe, but as we’ve proven here time and time and time and time again, it predominantly is not. With a few exceptions, no one really goes on social media and thinks, “I’m going on Instagram to feel better about myself today!” Even Khloé Kardashian doesn’t feel that way and her family essentially owns that app!!!
I asked Hailey:
Emily: Is social media more aspirational or faux-authentic? Is it more used to portray the lives we want to have or to show off what we do have in a polished, highlight reel kind of way?
Hailey: It’s definitely shifted. We are now in a world where everyone and their mom are influencers. In 2016, when Kylie Jenner was quite literally the only influencer, it was aspirational (sprinkled with nepotism). You dreamed of going to Coachella, armed with a flower crown and a Kylie Lip Kit.
Nowadays, we are seeing these faux-authentic lives. Even the influencers whose platforms are based in authenticity (think: body positive, health and wellness, social stigma etc etc) are still being invited to events, positing their PR boxes, and each outfit they wear. It is just not realistic and us normies without brand sponsorships and fancy events to go to have had to adjust just to feel like they “fit in.”
Living in NYC, I have noticed what I will coin the “Carbone effect.” No one cared about this restaurant AT ALL until celebrities, influencers, etc etc started eating here, tagging the restaurant in their content, and blowing the place up for $33 rigatoni. Now, you cannot even get a reservation at place unless you’re down for an 11 pm dinner on a Tuesday. Yet people do, just to get a picture of this overpriced pasta and put it on their Instagram stories, TikTok pages, and Snapchats.
And look, I’ve fallen for it. I’ve gotten the pasta (twice actually because I’m ridiculous) and posted it (both times) to show people that yes, I did refresh Resy at 10 am to scheme the reservations. This has been so normalized and causes people who can’t live these experiences unnecessary FOMO.
PS if you live in NY or the Boston area, Parm is owned by the same owners as Carbone and their rigatoni is the same and $18.
They still don’t have gluten-free pasta though, so I can not co-sign this life hack.
Do… I have FOMO????
As funny as the term is, FOMO is not a 100% benign reaction to social media. According to an article published in NIH’s National Library of Medicine (yeah, I went to a big pre-med school),
FOMO is considered as a type of problematic attachment to social media, and is associated with a range of negative life experiences and feelings, such as a lack of sleep, reduced life competency, emotional tension, negative effects on physical well-being, anxiety and a lack of emotional control (X).
Obviously, this is the extreme end of things but who hasn’t felt like their night in to order gluten-free pork dumplings from Lili and Loo’s on East 60th Street and watch the 2005 adaptation of Pride & Prejudice, followed promptly by Four Weddings and a Funeral after seeing three people they vaguely knew in college go to a trendy bar with a disco ball and no other context as to how their night went? (I’ve actually never regretted this kind of night no matter what anyone else has posted, but you all get my point.)
It is very easy to see a post, even in our old ages of 19+, and become convinced that everyone is having more fun than us because it’s easy to forget, as we see a post like that, that we only see the good parts of someone’s night. Maybe they got kicked out of the next club for being too sloppy drunk or dropped their phone in a puddle or, I don’t know, ran through a glass-plated window at a restaurant.
The point is: it’s cool to seem cool, but what is cool is both subjective and arbitrary. Even still, I asked Hailey:
Emily: Why do you think there's a desire to show that we're doing the coolest thing we can do with the coolest people we can find?
Hailey: I think it’s primarily to prove to yourself that you are doing the “right” things. The thought process is: “Well, if everyone else is going out and doing these things, I should, too” and if they’re posting their days and nights out, I should, too.
I sometimes catch myself thinking “Shit, it’s been months since I posted on Instagram. maybe I should put on my cutest outfit when I go out tonight and take pictures with my friends and hopefully, get something to post.” Peer pressure just manifests itself in different ways now. It used to be “if all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?” and now it’s “if all your ‘friends’ are getting a table at the club and posting on Instagram, should you be doing the same?!”
Emily: Why is the opposite also true? Why is it undesirable to portray our nights in with frozen orange chicken?
Hailey: If we can’t make our meals like Emily Mariko makes her salmon bowls, it’s not interesting. People like things that are aesthetic, funny, enjoyable to watch. No one cares that I am popping my meals in the air fryer while we’re all watching watching people make 5-star gourmet meals online.
That said, tag me in your Trader Joe’s meal Instagram stories—let’s make it a thing.
Speaking from personal experience, my FOMO peaked in college and flared up again a year ago when I first moved to New York City until I realized this place is expensive and it is very cool for my entire bank account to not be empty. But for the most part, my post-college life has been filled with enough that my FOMO has been kind of SOLOW (except for this week because I’ve been on EngagementTok and had the stomach bug so I’m jealous of literally everyone right now).
Projecting a little, I asked Hailey:
Emily: What is the best part of post-college life offline?
Hailey: The 5-9. OMG the 5-9.
In college, you literally never have time after the day to do anything. You go to class, grab coffee with friends, another class, hours in the library, then end it out with a night out just to do it over again (but with a hangover). Being an “adult”—even though I feel like I still am sitting at the kids table—allows me to have that post-work time to go to a workout class, clean my apartment, watch Jeopardy live at 7 pm from bed, you know?
Also not being in the library at that time is *chefs kiss*
Emily: What do you do to help yourself feel more confident in your social life, on and off social media?
Hailey: On social media, I have to remember that it is all just a show. I sometimes see people I went to high school with on social media that I was kind of friends with and I pretend that they were the same person they were 5 years ago.
It’s hard to remember that even though we stayed in touch with likes, swipe-ups, reactions, and such, we haven’t actually talked. I feel confident in the fact that those who know me off of social media also know me through any online presence I have. The relationships I have fostered offline have been the ones that have helped me grow, not my “followers.”
I feel like influencers might say otherwise but I am far from that (my only constant “likers” are my IRL friends and my mom).
Emily: Do you want to give a shout-out to your friends?
Hailey: Shout out to my IRL BFFs ttyl xox!!!!
Thank you to Hailey for answering all these questions thoughtfully and exactly in her voice, as well as for her patience re: galas, rescheduling, and the damn norovirus!!!!!!!
I absolutely adore a woman who commits to the everyday scam!!!