In light of some really dark things happening —like the rapid spreading of the Delta variant, the expiration of the federal eviction moratorium, and the fact that Donald Trump is back in the news again— I thought it might be smart if we took a step back from political conversations this week and broke down the culture instead.
In order to look at the current state of pop culture á la Emily For President, I asked someone who is certifiably funnier than me on Twitter absolutely bizarre questions to see what kind of comedic genius conversation would unfold.
This week, I talked with Zoe Eisenstein, a wannabe pop culture expert who sees like, one Oscar movie a year, sometimes actively avoids prestige miniseries, and is not in tune with Housewives culture. In her free time, she enjoys seeking out obscure Wikipedia pages, comparing the various vampire TV shows of the 2010s, and pondering the Cameron Diaz it-girl phenomenon.
Actually, this brings us to our first question which, for the first time in E4P history, was asked of me by the guest:
Zoe: Is there a modern-day equivalent to who Cameron Diaz was for us in the 2000s? Dying to hear your thoughts on this, Emily.
Emily: This might be a controversial pick but in terms of quantity of roles —as well as a general iconic nature that prohibits being pigeonholed into one most notable role— and the public’s consistent interest, I’m going to have to say Adam Driver is our contemporary it-girl.
Ocean’s 9 But It’s a #FreeBritney Heist Film
In today’s edition of over-simplified news, I asked Zoe:
Emily: How should we Free Britney? Should we assemble a “Bad Blood” style team or an Ocean's 8 team?
Zoe: I’m gonna say Oceans 8 for sure. While I respect the Bad Blood team’s seamless blend of glamor and Charlie’s Angels-esque fighting capabilities, in the end we don’t get any proof that Catastrophe’s team even won their battle against Arsyn’s.1
Oceans 8 was a carefully curated team of experts in different fields who not only pulled off their heist, but successfully pinned the crime on someone else. While the Bad Blood Team was practicing boxing in glass boxes full of snow for some reason, the Oceans 8 team would be Freeing Britney.
How? I don’t know. I know nothing about conservatorship law outside of what’s mentioned in the Free Britney documentary. It’s called having a legal education.
Technically, I would have accepted both answers as either team would be able to take Jamie Spears who deserves no mercy for what he has done to Britney as her conservator.2
And in case you’re not keeping up with Britney Spears news, most recently, Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Brenda Penny allowed Spears to hire an attorney of her choosing who has already called for her father to immediately resign from his role.
The battle to free Britney is far from over, but it’s nice to dream that a team assembled by Sandra Bullock and Cate Blanchett (with a phenomenal set of bangs) featuring Rihanna might be on their way to help her out.
Stars— They’re Going Back to Their Exes, Just Like Us
The most important takeaway from last week’s newsletter was, of course, that Bennifer —or Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck, for the uncultured— are back together, and I am notably not happy about it. Absolutely no hate to JLo ever, but this is the definition of “I can fix him” behavior. And I’m sorry, but I think the Man With the Dragon Tattoo is beyond saving.
More importantly, ladies: 2021 is not the year to return to an ex. Literally. Therapists are chiming in to tell you this is not the move. You don’t need me to tell you this.
Regardless of my two cents, I had to ask Zoe:
Emily: What are your thoughts on Bennifer?
Zoe: The main thing with Bennifer is that even years ago when I first learned that they were once engaged, my mind was incapable of understanding their relationship.
They were always a strange celebrity couple to me. A real Fergie and Josh Duhamel type of couple, if you know what I mean. A Tom Cruise and Cher. A Channing Tatum and Jessie J. Almost a Grimes and Elon Musk, but not quite that extreme.
I have virtually no idea of what they’d be like together, because they just don’t mesh in my mind. And although there are pictures of them together, my brain still can’t comprehend the intersection of Bostonian film bro and ageless singer rom-com starlet. I do love how the recent pictures of Ben touching Jen’s butt recall the shots in the “Jenny from the Block” music video in which Ben is famously also touching Jen’s butt.
Artistic choices like those are how the culture reminds us of the power of Bennifer.
I actually got so mad at this response that I had to DM Zoe about it. The reason I am in therapy is to forget the fact that not only were Cher and Tom Cruise briefly an item in the mid-80s, but that he is one of her Top 5 best lovers. This, by the way, is no shade to my idol Cher, who can do no wrong and should have whatever she wants in this world, but, in the tone of the Arrested Development joke with my own specific twist on it: “Him?”
I digress.
Emily: Follow up— does Ben Affleck have a Jennifer obsession? First Lopez, then Garner, now Lopez again????
Zoe: Clearly he’s a Jennifer stan. There are so few similarities between Lopez and Garner. His switch from Lopez to Garner then back leads me to believe that the man is only capable of actually committing to Jennifers. Ana never stood a chance...
Emily: Which celebrity couple doesn't exist but should?
Zoe: I’m still rooting for Kacey Musgraves and Harry Styles. I know that they toured together, and because of that most people probably think that if it was going to happen, it would have, but she was married at the time! Maybe things would have been different if not for the sands of time </3
In case Kacey reads this newsletter, Harry is currently in LA recording new music. Just if, perchance, you might want to pay him a visit…
I don’t want to get canceled for bullying Ben Affleck on Rihanna’s internet, so I’ll keep my comments to myself.
The Golden Globes if the Hollywood Foreign Press Didn’t Suck
As we segue into our conversation about TV and movies, I wanted to offer a quick PSA to those of you like Zoe who are not well-versed in the Bravo Cinematic Universe.
Because TV is, like everything else, unnecessarily gendered, oftentimes people (men) are quick to label a Real Housewives franchise as mindless programming. To those men, I ask: what educational value has there ever been in an NFL game? I, on the other hand, have learned time and again how not to get caught committing any of the three major frauds (tax, wire, and mail), which is not something they ever teach you in school.
Watch this season of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Wednesdays at 9 pm on Bravo.
Now, seeing as Zoe’s name on Instagram is Cousin Greg, I thought it fitting to ask:
Emily: Why should I watch Succession? Bear in mind, I already have allegiance to Nicholas Braun in the short-lived and poorly made ABC Family television adaption of the hit 90s movie 10 Things I Hate About You and don't know if I can ever see him in a role that countered this image of him.
Zoe: I’m going to be honest, I don’t think Nicholas Braun’s career-defining role as Greg Hirsch in Succession will taint the Nicholas Braun that lives in your head.
Nicholas Braun only plays 2 kinds of characters: a deeply awkward man who does not know what to do with his unruly long limbs (Cousin Greg), and a kinda dumb deeply awkward man who does not know what to do with his unruly long limbs (Derrek from Zola).
Aside from that, my elevator pitch for Succession is that it is the best blend of comedy and drama you will ever watch. The show will build to something so tense and dramatic that you can barely handle it, and then something absolutely ridiculous will happen to totally defuse it. The dialogue is unmatched, Tom’s (Matthew McFadyen) insults, threats, and one-liners alone are funnier than entire episodes of some flop comedies, and the relationships and power struggles between each and every character are so engaging.
Season 2, Episode 9: “DC” is one of my favorite episodes of television, period.
Honestly, she could have just said that Mr. Darcy from the 2005 Keira Knightley adaptation of Pride and Prejudice was in it and that would have sold me.
Pivoting away from any further discussion of men until the next section, I asked Zoe:
Emily: If you could be one icon for a day, would you rather be Cher or Meryl?
Zoe: I know that Meryl is prestige, and she’s an icon, and she is one of the greatest actors to ever do it, but I feel like Cher has seen some shit in her life, both fucked up and cool, and I feel like it would be very informative to be her for a day (side note: the culture needs a Cher biopic, no?)
Plus, to have all those stunning Bob Mackie costumes? To be the brilliant mind responsible for Believe, autotune’s debut?! I don’t think I could turn that opportunity down.
Now, fellow readers, I do have one thing I can brag about in this life, and that is that during my first month living in New York City, I attended a house party at (pause for dramatic effect) Cher’s old apartment. Through seven degrees of Kevin Bacon, I ended up on my way to a party at a random apartment (safety first) with a group of my friend’s friend’s friends when the leader of the pack said, “Yeah, I think Cher used to live there.”
Did I stop dead in my tracks in the middle of 4th St., wondering how someone could be so nonchalant with this information? Did I walk inside and have to stifle a scream because it was CHER Cher’s home? Was I sad to lose one of my rings on the rooftop only to remind myself it was Cher’s private rooftop and that, in a way, I left a part of me there?
ANYWAY:
Emily: Follow up: did they disrespect Cher by claiming she was old enough to be Meryl's mother in Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again, or was the faux pas righted when they set her up with Andy Garcia?
Zoe: Oh, they wronged Miss Cher for sure. But they disrespected Christine Baranski MORE by having her coupled with Andy Garcia’s character’s OLDER brother.
Keep in mind Tanya’s supposed to be the same age as Meryl’s character, so they have her coupled with someone who’s likely older than her father and they just PRETEND they’re in the same age range because they’re both over 50? The disrespect!
Too true, queen. Too true.
Men 🤢
Welcome to the dishiest section of the newsletter, where I asked Zoe questions like:
Zoe: I guess if there was ever going to be a hot slumlord, it would be him? But in the words of Wendy Williams: Death! To all of them!
(Disclaimer: I’m not calling for a hit against the Kushners.)
The only question I could follow this one up with was:
Emily: Guy Fieri?
Zoe: So, I have a lot to say about this.
After years of being known culturally as a joke (I’m guilty of contributing to the Fieri pile-on), this past year the culture discovered that Guy Fieri is actually a really good person behind the scenes, and he’s been so quiet about it all along because he doesn’t want any pats on the back for doing the right thing!
I think this discovery also meant a lot to people in a year when a lot of our favorite celebrities flopped hard into the town square. I mean, Chrissy Teigen, once everyone’s favorite ~relatable girlie~, was recently exposed for bullying people on Twitter. And this was a while ago now, but the Imagine video and the subsequent I Take Responsibility video showcased just how many celebrities are virtue signaling and seeking praise for doing like, very basic nice things.
Firstly, I think this year was a lot of peoples’ first recognition that celebrities are completely out of touch with average peoples’ lives. Secondly, it was refreshing for people to see someone who has quietly been so charitable and just completely kind and lovely for his whole career, but isn’t obsessed with manipulating his efforts for likability and good PR.
With that being said, I have no intentions of ever discontinuing my use of this image from 2014.
Not to get too sentimental in the chat, but every time I’ve participated in Guy Fieri culture, it has been sincere. My family has Triple D on the TV nearly every Friday night, even if we’re not watching and it has had a huge subconscious impact on me.
When I was still grossly hungover at 12 pm on the day of my second graduation, I didn’t know what would pull me out of it. But then an episode of Guy’s Ranch Kitchen came on —just one episode out of the blue, mind you— and I said out loud to my mother, “I needed to hear his voice today,” which made me realize that maybe the real Flavortown was just the appreciation and respect we built for Guy Fieri along the way.
As a way of referencing an earlier joke the way all good comedians do, I asked Zoe:
Emily: Which male celebrity do you believe you can fix?
Zoe: Not to be repetitive but I’m going to go with Cousin Greg himself, Nicholas Braun.
I’m not sure if you follow @deuxmoi (update: I am sure, I checked for you in their followers list, which is stan behavior), but he’s definitely been on a dating rampage across New York City. Sorry to the entire island of Manhattan but I’m different, and I’m committed to making it work despite our drastic height difference. If you see me lurking in or around Ray’s, the bar he co-owns with Justin Theroux, mind your business.
Personally, there’s only one man for me:
Taken directly from my Hinge profile
Still a Political Newsletter!!!!
Rest assured, we will close today’s newsletter by going back to our roots: breaking down some of the most pressing issues in political news today.
Emily: Miss, for a dollar: are politics camp?
Zoe: Politics are the opposite of camp.
I have never read a single word of Notes on Camp, but in what is obviously my expert opinion as someone who went to the “Notes on Camp” Met exhibit and took pictures of all the clothes, camp is about being over the top and doing things that are in bad taste or unpopular just because you want to.
As we have seen from these disappointing past few months of very little exciting (and promised) policy change happening because it’s too “controversial,” moderate weenies (excuse my language) aren’t camp enough to go against the status quo!
I also don’t think the nature of American politics allows it to be camp, because politicians are constantly presenting tailored, perfected messages that have to be palatable to voters so they can maintain their power.
The only exception is when Ted Cruz liked that porn tweet. That was camp in its purest form.
I went into this conversation holding the opposite belief and came out a changed woman. If only some elected officials were also able to get the sticks out of their asses and realize holding steadfast to antiquated beliefs helps no one, not even themselves!
Emily: Who were our top 5 hottest presidents?
Zoe: The challenge of thinking of FIVE WHOLE presidents who weren’t absolutely heinous is monumental.
I’m going to start off with Barack Obama and JFK. Extremely obvious choices. Then I’ll say Ulysses S. Grant because the scruffy late 1800s beard really suits him. FDR is next because of his implementation of social welfare policies, but for that reason ALONE.
Do I have to pick a fifth? I’m REALLY exhausting my options here. I can only look at portraits of men with loose neck skin for so long.
And scene.
Thank you so much to Zoe for answering these ridiculous questions and being so game and funny. I hope everyone enjoyed reading this week’s piece as much as I enjoyed putting it together!!!!
For my dad who I know is about seven years behind on Taylor Swift Subculture and therefore hasn’t seen the music video for “Bad Blood,” basically Taylor Swift and Selena Gomez are superhero and/or spy friends turned enemies, and then Taylor assembles a team of pop stars and celebrity icons who are all fitted with a variety of unnecessary hairstyles and weapons to imply they’re fighters.
For the record, no one does any fighting aside from Taylor Swift and Karlie Kloss, but that opens up another conversation as it offers so many layers of implications for the trajectory and subsequent breakdown of their relationship and I just don’t think we have time for that today.
I would like to clear the air once and for all and say I do not personally believe Jared Kushner to be hot as I would not call his female counterpart, Sophia the Robot, hot. But it is an ongoing debate within the culture that I believe was sparked in part by John Oliver.
For me, the question “Is Jared Kushner hot?” is another way of asking a more philosophical one, which is: “How much do I value my individual opinion and general sanity?”
