Emily & Blair Pay Etsy Witches to Predict Their Soulmates
Featuring: AI-induced spiritual psychosis, Theresa Caputo (of course), and a reminder that I can't fucking stand Andrew Cuomo
I’m not going to lie: I’m in a bit of a tricky position this week.
On one hand, I want to acknowledge the enormity of what has happened this past week. I want to share my thoughts as someone who has long held anti-war beliefs, who can’t stop reading the news. On the other hand, we’re talking about Etsy witches today, which would make for a terribly hard segue.
How I feel right now is a very nebulous thing, and I am trying so hard every day not to slip too far forward into my anger at the world around me, or too far backward into pretending everything is fine. I’m trying to find a middle path between listing every single one of my grievances on main and continuing with today’s interview as if “bombing for peace” is a normal fucking thing to say. I’m trying to hold onto the joy I feel every time I watch Zohran Mamdani talk about the New York City I want for myself and my neighbors, as a means of fighting the real fear I have of living under yet another man who actively uses his power to harm others.
What I’m grappling with (and, perhaps, some of you are, too) is not a new phenomenon:
First articulated in 2005 by scholar Alexei Yurchak to describe the civilian experience in Soviet Russia, hypernormalization describes life in a society where two main things are happening.
The first is people seeing that governing systems and institutions are broken. And the second is that, for reasons including a lack of effective leadership and an inability to imagine how to disrupt the status quo, people carry on with their lives as normal despite systemic dysfunction—give or take a heavy load of fear, dread, denial and dissociation (X).
There is a part of me that wishes I could start all of these pieces as if everything is normal, that wishes I could live my life without feeling like that scene of Meryl Streep in Big Little Lies at least 25 times a day. But then I remember that “what makes dysfunction so dangerous is that we might simply learn to live with it” (X).
So here I am, not learning how to live with it, screaming.
If you’re a registered Democrat in New York City and you missed early voting last week, please vote on Election Day TOMORROW!!! You can find your polling site and hours here. It’s going to be hot and the lines will probably be long, but I believe in you and I believe in New York City!!! Rank a full slate of FIVE CANDIDATES, but please, for the love of Cher, DO NOT RANK ANDREW CUOMO AT ALL.
I am so sick and tired of little men having this much power over my life. I am so over these thin-lipped, ill-fitting-suit-wearing, sexual predator freaks always getting the last laugh. There is a better way to be than this, and I know that because I keep showing up to vote for it time and again.
Now, we’re going to talk about some woo-woo shit, okay? And we’re going to have fun doing so!!!
This week, E4P Hall of Famer Blair Baker and I talk about our experiences paying Etsy witches to tell us about our soulmates, why witchcraft has become so popular online, and what problems digital spirituality can lead some people to.
Blair is a total Charlotte, and, despite her Hinge “Most Compatible,” she still believes in love.
How I Met Your Father Via a Witch
I had been scrolling TikTok one night, as I am wont to do, and saw a creator who paid four different Etsy sellers to draw her soulmates and see if there were any similarities. I thought, Well….I have free will and $10…What if I paid some Etsy witches to draw my soulmate?
I said as such to Blair, who decided in real time that she wanted to partake, too:
If you’re wondering what an Etsy witch is, it’s simple: according to a recent piece in the Washington Post, “On Etsy, magic is big business, and it’s possible to pay a witch to cast a spell for just about anything, on just about anyone. Though the retailer banned ‘metaphysical services’ in 2015, there are thousands of spells for sale, most tagged as “entertainment.’” The rise in popularity of Etsy witches has mirrored society’s increasing acceptance of witchcraft and occult practices, due in large part to social media.
From all I’ve been able to find—and from my own experiences dabbling in tarot and interviewing Internet astrologers—it seems as though Etsy witches, #WitchTok, and modern spirituality have grown out of the collective longing for community and a sense of control over their lives. It makes sense, given the times. More to it, it’s fun: recently, a popular influencer named Jaz shared that she “paid an Etsy witch to make it not rain on her wedding weekend,” and that it worked. Jaz and her creator friends shared content nearly constantly throughout that weekend, acknowledging that her followers had essentially paid for her wedding, as influencing is her career. In a way, paying the Etsy witch for good weather and then sharing that fact embodied those twin desires—for community and control—perfectly.
As for Blair and me, we decided we would pay the same two witches to preserve the integrity of the experiment. The next morning, feeling crazy, we decided to pay a third witch. All in all, we spent a total of $8.87 each and received three predictions and two sketches of the men who are presumably our soulmates.
For me, it was a lot of pure, innocent fun. But I wanted to know what Blair thought of everything:
Emily: Overall, how would you rate our Etsy witch experience on a scale from 1-10?
Blair: 10! I have yet to meet my soul mate, a Shawn Mendes lookalike, but the experience of paying Etsy witches to tell me my future has been such a delight.
For me, engaging with astrology, psychics, and general witchcraft is more about the playful joy of imagining and dreaming about my future, rather than taking anything by law. You get what you pay for, and in this case, ~$3 per future prediction.
Emily: Describe each of the first three witch’s predictions. How accurate do you feel like each of them could be?
Blair:
Witch 1:
An absolute delight. She started off with, “Your soulmate’s story, personality, and the moment you meet them are painted in shades of possibility, woven together like a soft tapestry that you can imagine unfolding in front of your eyes.” Incredible.
Summary of my soulmate:
A “B” in their first or last name
Works in law, psychology, or a respected helping profession
Meet them in the next 6–9 months
Warm, kind, organized personality; slightly older
Hobbies include writing, photography, and nature activities
And the most shocking, I will meet him in Boston, near the Public Library or a Beacon Hill café… bizarre
The Boston part feels especially bizarre, as I have no plans to travel to Boston, and it is super specific.
Witch 2:
This was the first sketch I got, and he’s a cutie.
Summary of soulmate:
First initial likely “J” or “M”
Likely a Taurus or Virgo, around age 27–29
Emotionally sensitive, steady, loyal, grounded
Meeting likely in Oct–Nov 2025 through work or a creative/volunteer setting
Relationship will feel safe, celebratory, and stable
May coincide with practical new beginnings like a move or job change
This was the second reading I got from this witch, as my original reading was based on a miscommunication about my birthday. There were actually a fair number of differences between the two readings, so that made me feel like it was more legit.
Blair (cont.):
Witch 3:
Another sketch here, and he is super attractive, but the least realistic.
Summary of soulmate:
Likely works in business, finance, real estate, or structured, long-term fields
Personality: Stable, mature, loyal, emotionally intelligent, once trust is built
Connection will feel spiritually aligned and emotionally deep
Meeting may happen suddenly during a time of personal change (e.g., move or new job)
Zodiac signs tied to: Taurus, Capricorn, or Libra
Possible initials: D, L, S, A, or M
Relationship will feel like clarity, not chaos—steady, safe, and deeply loving
He’ll be drawn to your emotional depth and nurturing energy, but you’re reminded to let him support you, too
The App:
I also tried the Starla app after seeing people talk about it on TikTok. It gave me a sketch that looks like Shawn Mendes, and based on other TikToks, everyone’s sketches look like celebrity knock-offs. This one was super vague on the description of him, but gave me his full astrological chart??
Summary:
Adventurous, radiant, emotionally deep
Sagittarius sun, Pisces moon, Scorpio rising
Intellectually and emotionally aligned
Spontaneous travel, deep convos, cozy nights
His need for freedom may test your need for stability
As far as accuracy, some were more or less relatable based on interests and values of mine (I want someone who likes dogs, be outside, is smart and driven), but a lot of what they are describing is pretty generic to what anyone would want, like that he’s kind, loyal, etc.
Only time will tell which is closest to the truth…
I found this experience especially interesting because while the illustrations I received were clearly of two different men, all of the descriptions shared several commonalities: my soulmate is someone who deeply values his creative hobbies, such as writing (shocking), but is also very practical, stable, and calm under pressure (ok…hot). One thing that did stand out was that the three witches all said something about how the relationship between me and my soulmate(s) would feel like an equal partnership—something I’ve told everyone but the Etsy witches that I need from any dynamic I enter into with a man.1
Maybe it’s a bit of wishful thinking, but I did feel as though all three descriptions were talking about the same guy. That said, his name begins with either an S, M, R, J, or D, he’s a Leo, Taurus, Virgo, or Capricorn, and I could meet him at work, through friends, or in Hudson, New York…so that “same guy” could also literally be anyone.
In any case, my men all merged into one in my head, and therefore, all of the readings felt equally viable. I was curious to know if Blair felt the same:
Emily: Which witch / prediction did you resonate with the most?
Blair: I resonated the most with Witch Three. They all said lately high-level, vague things, but this one spoke to my anxiety the best. She told me that it would feel natural, and I would know this person is right for me. I have trouble delineating between my anxiety and liking someone (shout out anxious attachment), so it felt satisfying and comforting to hear that I wouldn’t have any doubts.
She said, “He will not rush you, test you, or make you question your worth. His love will feel secure, consistent, and real. When you meet him, it won't feel like fireworks—it'll feel like clarity. And that will be the most beautiful thing about it.”
If that’s not a goosebumps walk away, I don’t know what is!!2
But friends, I’ve been keeping a secret from you all. Blair and I did not simply pay three Etsy witches to envision our soulmates…we paid a fourth Etsy witch to cast a love attraction spell. We decided to request the same thing: a new person that the universe wanted the witch to call in for each of us.
Look, I know that sounds vague, but this fourth witch came highly recommended from the original TikTok creator who started this whole harebrained scheme in the first place: Michaela Amanda on TikTok shared that she had turned to Spells By Carlton to help her receive a job offer from the company she wanted to work for. When she got the job, she shared their name on Etsy, and Blair and I invested an additional $4.54 in this endeavor.
I know what you’re all wondering now…did it work?
Emily: Have you felt any effects from the spell we purchased yet?
Blair: ~No~
While our experiences with all of our witches (besides Carlton, that bitch) have been largely positive, they’ve also been in good fun. But for some people, spirituality in the modern age has become a slippery slope into delusions and derealization.
The Year of Magical AI Thinking
As Blair and I paid these witches and discussed our personal views on psychics and mediums, I kept recalling a past episode of Last Week Tonight. John Oliver’s analysis, released in 2019, featured a 2018 Pew Research Center study that found 4 in 10 Americans believe in psychics, leading to the psychic services industry being worth $2.2 billion. I found the same source Oliver and his team used to find this statistic for the show, and learned not much has changed: as of 2024, the industry is still worth $2.3 billion.
Oliver interrogates how the industry regularly takes advantage of believers financially by relying on “popular culture to lend it credence and validity. To put it another way: every time a psychic makes a grieving widow cry on Dr. Oz, ten con artists get their wings.” The story primarily focuses on psychic mediums and how they communicate with the dead, who, notably, cannot dispute any of the mediums’ messages.
But if you think about it, the same can be said for Etsy witches who tell me about my soulmate whom I will allegedly meet in either 6 to 9 months, or 8 to 12 months, or in April or September. How can I dispute predictions that have not yet come to pass? And, if they don’t ultimately come to fruition, the witches can just claim their estimation must have been off for some mystical reason—a very convenient cop out.
And yet, I enjoyed reading what my Etsy witches had to say. I liked the men they drew up for me. Am I allowed to hope for what they envision from me without sounding like a fool who is now out $8.87? I wanted to ask Blair:
Emily: Where do you draw the line between believing in psychics for hope and good fun, and truly delusional thinking?
Blair: I think everyone wants a bit of guidance that they are on the right path, and that can come from a psychic. I was trying to make a big career decision last year, and I heard on a podcast, “You don’t need to make the right decision, you need to make the decision right.”
It’s really hard to be in charge of your own life and know what choice is “right.” If an outside person is telling you what you are “destined” to do, it can help you make that decision with confidence, making it the right decision. All of that to say is that I don’t think there is harm in believing in psychics. If you’re not hurting others or yourself, it can bring a lot of fun and relief from the anxiety that is life.
I want to emphasize that Blair and I went into this experience semi-seriously, by which I mean that neither one of us was earnestly relying on any of these internet strangers’ responses mentally, emotionally, or financially. We knew that they were not likely to actually predict our soulmates, but it would be nice to daydream and perhaps make a viral TikTok one day if either’s eventual love interest looked remotely like their AI-generated illustrations.
But more importantly than our laissez-faire approach to these readings was the critical fact that we were able to recognize that the illustrations (and likely the write-ups themselves) were AI-generated. Rolling Stone and the New York Times both recently put out pieces about how more and more people are starting to spiral into delusional thinking as a result of communicating with AI chatbots, specifically about spirituality and psychic practices.
Obviously, these developments are so much bigger than just asking three strangers on the Internet what our future boyfriends will look like (one person who has experienced spiritual psychosis “is changing her whole life to be a spiritual adviser and do weird readings and sessions with people…all powered by ChatGPT Jesus”). But when you read the articles, it’s clear how easy it is for some people to take a benign interest in spirituality, only to rapidly fall down a rabbit hole of delusion.
To be sure, these are not all people with mental illnesses that may leave them predisposed to breaks from reality—these are people who, for the most part, have turned to AI for assistance with daily life and have been met with promises of ascendence and awakening so alluring that they have begun to take the bots at their words. Even the most levelheaded and AI-skeptical interviewee in Miles Klee’s Rolling Stone piece was led “to wonder if they are getting a glimpse of a true technological breakthrough—or perhaps a higher spiritual truth.”
In a way, though, it’s the newest iteration of the scam Oliver analyzed in 2019, where people’s vulnerabilities are exploited and used against them when they turn to spirituality for answers, when they were looking for community and a sense of control over their lives.
I was wondering what Blair thought of all this, so I asked:
Emily: Why do you think so many people fall prey to spiritual traps?
Blair: It’s the same reason that all cultures have developed religion—being a human is confusing, unpredictable, and confusing and that is super uncomfortable.
When nothing makes sense and someone offers you an explanation, it feels really good to believe them. There is comfort in explanations—believing that everything happens for a greater reason, that people you lost are still looking over you, and that there is a person you are destined to find and be with. Going one step further, knowing what’s going to happen next is the dream.
In this case, dating is SO hard, and it can feel super defeating and start to feel hopeless. These Etsy witches give you a pretty picture of this amazing person you will meet and end up with, but more than that, it’s hope in the idea that everything will work out.
With all of this said, I was curious to know:
Emily: Do you believe in psychics? If so, to what degree and why?
Blair: I like proof and facts. I like to understand how and why things work, but I also LOVE a psychic. I have been to many and even saw a pet psychic for my dog, Roo. Part of this is because I want to know that things will end up okay and don’t like uncertainty, but I also have mixed feelings about the efficacy of psychics because I like proof.
There have definitely been more than a few occasions where psychics have brought up details of my family that are very specific and no one could just guess, but there are also plenty of times where it doesn’t resonate or the predictions have not come true. I’ll keep going because it’s fun, but I also will not change my life based on what a psychic says.
What I will say is that I watched a lot of Long Island Medium growing up and that shit is crazy.
Look, I’m not here to convince you to pay for an Etsy witch yourself or even believe in them if you don’t. But as I am wont to do here, I wanted to start looking into larger conversations that interest me—society’s views of witchcraft, the oddities of modern dating, proof that AI is shaping up to be exactly like everyone predicted it was going to be in every sci-fi book, movie, and TV show ever—that may in some small way also be of interest to some of you.
Most importantly, of course, I love writing 3,000-word pieces as an excuse to play my favorite game with my friends:
Emily: Marry fuck kill your four predicted soulmates.
Blair: Marry: Witch 2
Fuck: Witch 3
Kill: App man. “His need for freedom may test your need for stability???” NO THANKS!!!
I wanted to end by saying this: Spells By Carlton…count your days. We will be leaving reviews on your Etsy storefront.
Thank you so, so much to Blair for immediately agreeing to use her free will in the silliest way with me and then talk about it with all of you!!! Consider this the second installment in our doing niche and fun things series, and expect more sidequest reports from us very soon.
I heard it, too…Elizabeth Bennet-ass bitch.
New Girl reference.