The Care and Keeping of Friends
Keep your enemies close, but keep your friends closer so you can give them a lil forehead kiss
In all honesty, I was overcome with a lot of emotions as I was assembling today’s piece. I know you all think I’m being melodramatic (as my sister emphasizes in one of her responses), but I’m sure you can see why it was impossible for me to not get emotional: my friendships—past, present, and future—have given me some of the greatest joys and greatest heartbreaks of my life.
It makes sense: things still stand as they were back in February which is to say I’m not with the love of my life Hugh Grant yet, so I take the love some people reserve for their significant others and put it back into the reservoir that irrigates my friendships. I don’t know if this extra love I have to give has necessarily made me a better friend per se but it’s certainly led me to become incredibly preoccupied with my friendships.
I think we as a society are starting to be more honest about the vital role friendships play in all our lives—how they’re not just starter models to try out until we fall in love but rather the great loves we’ve been looking for all along. How much brain space, dialogue, and literal time is taken up by thinking about, talking about, and talking to our friends. How they take so much fucking effort but are scientifically proven to be essential for a healthy human life (ergo, worth it).
I’ve always been obsessed with my friends, whoever they’ve been whenever I’ve been with them, but by no means does this make me an expert on friendship—or, for that matter, good friendship: I’ve been hurt by friends and I’ve hurt friends, and I’ve lost so many people throughout the years that I’m a little amazed I’ve managed to find people who mean the world to me and let me go all out planning for Halloween.
I don’t think anyone, not even the most brilliant of psychologists, can be an expert on friendship because I don’t think you can ever stop learning how to be a friend. There’s not a point to be reached where anyone can safely say, “That’s it! I’ve cracked the code! I’m the best friend now!” And, even if someone could, I think their discovery would be incredibly boring.
What is decidedly not boring is today’s panel on friendship which is wholesome and full of love, as well as a number of confessions and inside jokes and stories involving dogs. It’s the kind of thing you share with a friend after you finish reading.
What do you think makes a good friend?
Alli, 24, she/her: Loyal, honest, and there whenever you need it no matter where you are.
Bianca, 25, she/her: A good friend is someone who accepts you for who you are, trusts you, and supports you. To me, a good friend and a good partner are essentially the same (without the monogamy).
Jonah L: Someone who sees you for who you are and how you see yourself. That can come in many shapes.
Danni, 55, she/her: Honesty, loyalty, and kindness.
Sean, 25, he/him: Always supporting your friend no matter what.
B, 25: Someone who is reliable, kind, consistent, supportive, thoughtful, honest, and a lil mentally ill. I feel like the best of friends are ones that are invested in your life. They are there for you in the good times and bad—reliable. They make you feel comfortable and safe.
Dahlia, 28, she/her: Communication, laughter, understanding.
Lincoln, 25, she/her: Someone who builds you up and doesn’t try to cause drama in your life.
Audrey, 22, she/her: Loyalty, honesty, respect, trust, and mutual understanding of who each other are for all your virtues and vices.
EAG, 55: Someone who is there for you in good times and in bad times.
Based on how you replied to the previous question, are you a good friend?
Alli: Yes
Bianca: Yes—I really pride myself on putting in the work to keep and maintain my friendships.
Jonah: I think so! It's tricky because it really depends on how well you know someone and how vulnerable your friends are with you.
Danni: Yes
Sean: Yes
B: Not to toot my own horn, but *toot, toot* I think I'm a really good friend. I sometimes put my friends before myself which becomes more of a problem.
Dahlia: The best
Lincoln: Yes
Audrey: I really hope so. It’s like the most important thing to me in life.
EAG: When I know someone is having a hard time, I check in on them and show support.
Do you prefer having a wide variety of friends from different areas and eras of life, or having a core friend group?
Alli: I like the variety. Different people from different eras know pieces of you that others might not know or understand.
Bianca: Wide variety
Jonah: Diversity is key in my social life. My friends come from all parts of my life and range in age, race, sexuality, and religion.
Danni: Both. When I was younger, it was more important to have a core friend group. At this stage in my life, it’s kind of impossible not to have friends from different areas and eras of life!
Sean: Variety
B: I think that I would prefer to have core friends. I've always been envious of people who have their squads, but since college, I really have been a person with different friends in all different sectors.
Dahlia: Both
Lincoln: Wide variety for sure. Every time I’ve had a core friend group, it’s always ended in drama.
Audrey: Honestly both. I am uplifted by the feeling of being surrounded by people who I love and who love me back. Especially with people from different areas and places because I think it adds so much substance to your life to just learn about people from all different walks of life and understand them. I think it makes you a better person.
That being said, I think it’s so important to understand who the core friends are to you personally and to have a close circle of a few people (even if they aren’t all in the same group) because those are the most meaningful and important relationships to have
EAG: Core group
Would you say it's gotten easier or harder to make friends as you age, and can you explain your answer?
Alli: I feel like it is easier because you meet them in settings that are relatable like work or extracurriculars.
Bianca: Definitely harder. But it makes sense since most friendships start from proximity (like school, after-school activities, sports, etc). And that tends to decline as we get older.
Jonah: It's become easier for me to make true friends. Though in early life, it's probably easier to make superficial friendships or friendships of convenience (i.e. those freshman-year dorm friends you stopped talking to after year one).
Danni: Easier. At my age, I care less about what people think about me and I’m not trying to impress anyone. I already have great friends so I’m not in NEED of more friends, but I’m probably more open to hanging out with different people.
Sean: Harder—you have to put in more work for it.
B: Easier. When I was younger, I was scared of the kids who came up to me and said, "Wanna be friends?" It definitely comes in waves but I am so much more willing to ask people on friend dates, ask people to hang out, and make new friends.
At my peak, I was making friends everywhere I went—asking store associates to hang and meeting friends in the dog park. I've slowed down a bit but I feel like I could if I wanted to.
Dahlia: Easier. For me, I just need one conversation and I can tell if I want to hang out again. I’m a friend whore. I have many because I like to just talk.
Lincoln: Way easier. I feel more confident as an adult and ai have a lot more facets of my life to make friends in
Audrey: So so much harder. I was extremely blessed to have met my best friend on the first day of preschool and never had to wonder what it was like to not have a best friend going through life with you. We were also so lucky to have had the same core group of girlfriends from elementary school who I still consider my sisters today.
It has been so much harder for me to make friends as I age because growing up and having to be apart from my two best friends and our hometown friend group made me realize that what we had is such a rare thing. I struggled immensely making friends in college because I went so long without really needing to or feeling like I had to add new core people to my life.
EAG: Harder—everyday life makes it hard to spend too much time with people other than immediate family or people in close proximity.
What is your favorite story about making a new friend?
Alli: One of my good friends is someone I used to hate in high school. We played for opposite teams in softball growing up and I thought she was cocky. Now we play adult softball together and she’s one of my favorite people.
Bianca: My latest friend is one I made at work. I was interning where she was working full-time and we had the same boss. One day, some shit happened and I she invited me out to lunch to see how I was feeling. I just explained how it made me feel which started a whole vent session because she felt the same way! Then she invited me out with her friends and I met a lot of great people through her.
Jonah: I can't choose any particular story, but I've learned that friendships can truly come from anywhere.
Danni: After having my third child, I enrolled my two older kids (ok, you and your brother) in a My Gym™ class because I felt bad that we were home a lot after the baby (Audrey) was born. I wasn’t looking to make mommy friends there as I already had those, and the women in the class were so cliquey and mean! Except one, who finally said to me after a couple of classes in her very British accent, “Is it me, or are all these women really bitchy?!”
We are still friends and I tell this story whenever I introduce her at author events!
Sean: A new friend of mine and I have freakily similar lives.
B: It's a tie—meeting a friend at a dog park cafe because we have the same breed of dog and a friend who was on a date with my boyfriend's friend and it became an impromptu double date. They never went on another date and my boyfriend is now my ex.
Dahlia: I make a lot of friends at workout classes, just because it’s where I connect with the same gender so well. These women are also working out and focusing on themselves which is what more people need to do as they get older.
Lincoln: One time I brought a new friend over who I met at an open mic. She saw my roommate and she said, “You look like my friend’s little brother” and then she showed him a picture and my roommate was like, “That’s me.”
Turns out, she used to be good friends with his brother and then randomly met me years later in a totally different city.
Audrey: I have two—my most recent one is about my friend from school who I met for the first time when she came to my apartment during junior year of college because she and my roommate had their sorority formal. She told me about how she just recovered from a parasite in her stomach, and I was like, “Who the fuck is this bitch” but I also loved it.
Flash forward to the fall of our senior year, I saw she was in my microbiology class, and without overthinking it for a second (which I usually do), I asked my roommate for her contact to see if she wanted to sit together in class. We became such fast friends and the rest is history. She is one of my best friends and she even adopted a puppy from my work. Who would’ve known how things would have been if I hadn’t taken the initiative to reach out to her?
My ultimate favorite is about my college best friend and roommate who I met on Bid’s Night for our sorority first semester freshmen year. We stuck by each other that whole night because we both only knew this one other girl and she left us. During Parent’s Weekend, my mom and dad came up and they knew I was having a hard time making friends at school but I had finally reached my limit and basically gave them an ultimatum that if they didn’t take me home that day and pull me from school, I would never forgive them (dramatic I know, I get it from my sister🤝).
My mom pushed me to reach out to Lauren and try being friends. That night, we were Snapchatting and I realized she also was not going out, so I asked her to get ice cream with me at the dining hall. We ended up spending hours at a table talking while I ate ice cream (because she informed me when we got there that she was lactose intolerant) and only left because they were closing the dining hall. I walked home that night and called my mom crying because I was so happy I made a real friend for the first time at college. We ended up living together for three years and have never left each other’s side.
TikTok creator @hellotefi has said that losing a friend hurts more than a breakup. Do you agree with this? Why or why not?
Alli: 100%. A friend is someone you love platonically and connect with on deep levels. They know things about you no one else does so not having them around can hurt a lot more.
Bianca: Yes 100% agree. I think it’s harder because, unlike romantic relationships, it’s implied that friends are forever so we’re not really taught how to process the ending of a friendship.
Jonah: Agree! Our friends make us who we are. They allow us to be our true selves. Losing a friend can feel like losing a piece of ourselves (sometimes that's good and sometimes it's bad).
Danni: Not necessarily. I think it hurts when any relationship ends regardless of its nature.
Sean: I’ve never had a breakup so I wouldn’t know.
B: As someone who has gone through both in recent years, I think the breakup was harder.
Dahlia: Yes and no. I’ve broken up with a friend and she understood that it was her wrongdoing. But it’s hard when you are that friend holding on because there’s a past and you can’t seem to let go even though it’s for the better.
Lincoln: I think it depends on the friend/relationship. But I will say in high school, I was broken up with by my first boyfriend and then immediately ghosted by my best friend of ten years, and those two together really fucking sucked.
Audrey: I think it depends on each person’s situation but I consider losing a friend as a breakup as well—it’s not just a romantic thing. Also anytime I went through some sort of relationship breakup, it was also with someone who was a best friend to me before so it’s like losing two in one, and to me, that hurts more.
I don’t think I ever have gone through a friendship breakup with someone THAT valuable to me honestly. If I lost someone like my best friend, I genuinely don’t think I would ever recover.
EAG: I have only had a bad friend breakup once in my life and it was my choice so I cannot answer this. It’s natural for friendships to fade in and out over the years—I don’t get upset when they fade. #coldhearted
How do you deal / how have you dealt with losing a friend?
Bianca: The same way I deal with a breakup honestly. I just grieve and go through the motions. Over time, it gets better.
Jonah: I have no solution to this. I just know that having a diversified set of friends keeps me feeling safe.
Danni: Accepting that there was a reason for the friendship to end.
Sean: Life goes on, they weren’t worth my time.
B: Leaning on the friends I still have in my life and reminding myself of all the reasons that friendship didn't work.
Dahlia: Hang with the good friends.
Lincoln: Well, the friend of ten years who dumped me is a Trump supporter now and never left her hometown so thinking about that usually makes me feel better.
Audrey: I remind myself why we’re losing each other like it’s for a reason but allow myself to be grateful for the time we had in each other’s lives. It’s okay to grow into different people. Doesn’t mean they were wrong for you the whole time—it’s just not suitable anymore.
Is there anything else you'd like to add?
Bianca: I’d like to recommend this article from The Atlantic!
Jonah: My friends and relationships are everything to me. They are my chosen family and social network. Being physically close to these relationships in NYC is paramount.
Danni: Good friends are like stars; you might not always see them, but they are always there.
Sean: Cutting people out of your life is a power move.
B: Hoes b4 bros
Dahlia: It’s easier for women to make friends. I read something about how women have face-to-face relationships where you can just have a conversation that isn’t surfaced level. Whereas men have side-to-side conversations and sit shoulder-to-shoulder and tend to not get into an engaged conversation. Also, you are allowed to be friends with the opposite gender! I hate that rule and it should be banned.
Audrey: People and friends are in your life for different reasons and you will have different kinds of relationships with them. That doesn’t take away from your friendship with someone else or make it greater or lesser than. It’s just important to know who’s valuable to you and why they have come into your life—and cherish them while they’re there, tell them you love them and take advantage of what you learn from each other.
EAG: Sometimes friendships that fade come back in time and get stronger—don’t write a friendship off unless there was major fighting.
Without saying who it's for, send a one-line message to your best friend <3
Alli: No matter the distance I love you! KS
Bianca: You all make my world go round 🥹💗
Jonah: Cute :)
Danni: I love(-ey Howell) you!
Sean: Hey mama
B: Love you, mean it.
Dahlia: The only thing I could write is something that’s not appropriate…but it’s, “You greedy effin ****!”
Lincoln: Hi slut
Audrey: If there’s one thing that’s always been right in my life, it’s you.
EAG: I am looking forward to our Golden Girl years
Thank you so much to everyone who participated…and their friends for giving them content!!!
We’re off next week but I wanted to share some good news: if you’ve ever wanted to be a guest on E4P, now’s your chance! Consider this an open-casting call for Emily For President’s Next Top Guest!!!
