Emily Fun President, Vol. 2: A Year in Review
Pure innocent fun!
Can’t say I was surprised that Miss Dolly’s Booster Shot threw me off my rhythm, but it showed me that what the world really needs now is a free at-home COVID test to check if it got Omicron at SantaCon last week. But also comedy.
Today, instead of talking about something demoralizing and scary unfolding right before our eyes, we’re going to take a step back and make fun of the year we thought was going to be calmer than the on-fire trash can that was 2020. Please enjoy both the first and now second installments of Emily Fun President… as well as next week’s inevitable third installment.
Before anyone comes for me: yes, this is a list of just 8 things. Were there supposed to be 10? Yeah. Am I remarkably burnt out from this whole Omicron hellscape that feels vaguely reminiscent of March 2020?? Yeah!! Do I owe you fools anything here at Emily For President??? Yeah!!! That’s why I managed to make it to 8 instead of 0!!!!!! You’re welcome!!!!
Without further ado, here are the Top 8 Most Important Political Moments According to Me and Therefore the Most Important End of Qualifier:
8.) American Crime Story: Impeachment
I’m putting this last because I do not have the emotional capacity to talk about Donald Trump anymore. Currently, I’m trying to live through the Omicron surge in New York without convincing myself that even my rescue cat contracted the virus— do you think I have the drive to talk about a one-term has-been reality show host president with a worse fake tan than me and no Twitter account? (Babes, if you’re reading, get yourself some Neutrogena Micro Mist and learn how to work TikTok.)
That said, it is notable that Trump was impeached twice because it was historical and all, so it made the list. Barely.
7.) The Georgia runoff Senate election
Not only are Rev. Raphael Warnock and Jon Ossoff (D-GA) the hottest Senators in all of Congress, their wins completed Georgia’s Princess Diaries transformation to a blue state. As is to be expected, I do take full credit for making this happen.
Unfortunately, this win did splinter off into the timeline in which former Senator David Perdue is attempting to run for governor in Georgia alongside both noted E4P queen Stacey Abrams and noted E4P enemy Brian Kemp. As I said once already this year: You Can Take the Girl Out of Georgia By Forcing Her to Suddenly Leave Georgia Because of a Worsening Global Pandemic, But You Can’t Take Georgia Out of the Girl.1
6.) The Afghanistan of it all
After 20 years, the U.S. formally withdrew all troops from Afghanistan and I made the dumb decision to ask in an Instagram poll with two options and no nuance, “Was the War on Terror justified?”
To be sure, it’s better for us to not be in Afghanistan the way it is better for a parasite to not be in your gut. And, just like a parasite, the exit strategy was always going to be painful… but we really fucked it up as badly as possible. It’s probably best if the U.S. just laid low for a while, foreign interference-wise, like an ex-boyfriend who is 10000% in the wrong despite any and all attempts to gaslight and say you’re in the wrong.
5.) Guilty Verdicts in George Floyd and Ahmaud Arbery’s Cases
In President Obama’s farewell address, he stated: “After my election, there was talk of a post-racial America. Such a vision, however well-intended, was never realistic.” As we’ve discussed here, there are certainly people who think they’ve helped end racism because they shared a black square to their Instagram feed in June 2020 or an eye-catching infographic to their story helping to educate their followers.
Just the same, there are people who think the “work” they’ve “done” is “completed” since guilty verdicts were issued to George Floyd and Ahmaud Arbery’s murderers. Maybe this is a little naive (white) to say, but I hope that this moment this year doesn’t lead to complacency because things have happened, but rather serves as encouragement for what can still change. As Taylor McGhee said earlier this year, “abolition is tearing the house down, digging up the foundation, and building a better house than existed before on more solid, just ground. You cannot just liberate the people being actively oppressed by systems of violence. You must also liberate the oppressors and people upholding those same systems.”
4.) Ted Cruz’s Wet n’ Wild Spring Break: Cancún
It is so petty for me to put this so high on the list but it just felt right. Ted Cruz trying to flee an environmental nightmare in the state he was elected to represent and serve instead of riding it out with and actually helping his constituents wins this year’s Four Season Landscaping Award for Being the Funniest Thing to Happen This Year. Objectively, it is incredibly funny for a grown man to blame his pre-pubescent daughters for a trip to Cancún, as if kids know anything about MTV’s Favorite Wild Spring Break Destination before age 14.
3.) Cuomo Brothers Power Hour for Men Who Don’t Understand How to Be Good Humans (or, How New York Got Its First Female Governor)
One of America’s most reliably blue states hit a shockingly unachieved milestone this year because a man abused his power and was protected by his brother… another man who also abused his power.
I think Miss Taylor Swift said it best on the 13th track off of her sixth studio album, Reputation: “this is why we can’t have nice things” because even in celebrating Governor Kathy Hotchl’s achievement of true girlbossing, we have to acknowledge And*ew C*omo in the same breath as her ascension to the office could not have happened without him fucking up. I mean, can I get a marone a mia?!?!!
2.) Well, Covid Stills Exists
Shockingly, a global pandemic isn’t a one-year-and-done kind of event. Now, in what I believe is technically Covid’s Red era (ok, drama), we are starting to see that trying to return to normal the way we started to this summer is not a possibility.
I know I said we’d be doing this whole shindig to avoid feeling demoralized or scared but maybe heading into our second Covid year means that we don’t have to be scared. Maybe lesson on how to live with the disease instead of in spite of it were the friends we made along the way.
1.) I feel like the insurrection kind of won this???
Remember when everyone said, “Thank God 2020 is over!!!” and then right out of the gate, 2021 managed to be worse?
It truly is not every day that you watch what can only be described as “probably the beginning to the next Civil War” on cable news so by that measure, the January 6th Insurrection at the Capitol takes the cake for Emily For President’s Top Political Moment of the Year.
Surely we’ll be talking about this more because, as with all insurrections, it was a major historical moment with longstanding and far-reaching effects, some of which we may not see for years to come. Dare I say it—yikes!!!!
Thank you all for making it through almost a full year with E4P!!! I know it’s gotten a little messier in the later phases of the year but isn’t solving problems what January is for?? (That, and insurrections apparently.)
Basically, we’ll be talking about GA a lot more in 2022.