Elections—They're Just Like Us!
It really is so crazy how another year goes by and there’s another election. It’s almost as if… they happen every year???
Last year’s election seemed to go on forever (and, for some people, it actually hasn’t even ended yet). All elections, in their own beautiful ways, are incredibly stressful when you stop to think about it: you are deciding how you want your life to go for the next year, two years, or four years, based on promises strangers told you primarily on TV.
That’s like if some of us got involved in elder fraud schemes just because we saw Jen Shah promise lavish parties to her friends on the Real Housewives of Salt Lake City (hypothetically, of course).
Anyway, since tomorrow is Election Day again, I thought I’d bring together Emily For President’s preeminent voices on voting for a comedic joust because… well why not? Today, reigning champions Alexis Greenblatt and Alex Chanen return for some pure innocent fun.
Alexis Greenblatt is most famously known for forcing every single person she's ever talked to to register to vote and participate in elections. Like it was all she posted about on Instagram in 2020. She lives in Atlanta, Georgia which was the center of the entire political universe last year, and is still coming down from the high of electing America's 2 Hottest Senators into office in January. You can typically find her working (playing on Canva) from home or walking along the Beltline!
Some long for the days of being a frat star, Alex Chanen longs for the days he could register people to vote on campus as a washed-up college Dems president.
Elections: thoughts?
Alexis: This is honestly a tough one. Elections: good? Sometimes? IDK. Just vote in them so you don't have to live with the guilt of not voting.
Also, it's fun to push buttons on a machine and you get to do it for free so like, kind of an ideal scenario. And you usually get a sticker!!
Alex: We have some very important ones coming up, especially if you are a resident of Virginia, New Jersey, Massachusetts, and Georgia, but check your local news to see if you have them in your state!
We have a bunch of Trumpian psychos running on the sole platform of banning books and overturning elections. So yeah, elections are incredibly important and have consequences.
Which is the hottest elected office?
Alexis: I mean this wholeheartedly: secretary of state.
Having the power to run elections transparently and efficiently is literally sexy. It's too bad a lot of people in this seat are being very unsexy about it and destroying the integrity and ease of the voting process.
Fuck marry kill: federal, state, local.
Alexis: Obviously fuck local, marry federal, kill state.
So many gerrymandered state legislatures make up bullshit laws that their constituents don't want or even agree with (i.e. voting laws, abortion laws, bad redistricting decisions) and anyone who argues for "states rights" is racist and you should block them. On the local level, being a mayor or city councilperson is hot (sometimes).
I'd marry federal because that's something you don't wanna just have a one-night stand with— if we're gonna get involved, we're gonna be committed and work on our relationship together.
Emily: Personally, I’d have to say fuck federal, marry local, kill state.
Federal has the fleeting fun of a one-night stand while local has more of an impact on my day-to-day life. And then who am I to tell the state of Connecticut to do anything? Get gone, state elections!
Would you rather: vote in person and see your high school crush looking hot but then you see them walk back to a car with a Trump 2024 bumper sticker, or vote by mail but on the way to your mailbox you almost get hit by your high school crush driving a car with a Trump 2024 bumper sticker?
Alexis: Definitely vote in person because 1) avoid the terror of almost being hit by a car and 2) at least get the chance to chat up my high school crush before learning they're a terrible person.
Alex: Vote in person! Best way to ensure your vote will be counted on time and then you can use your high school crush run-in as a bit in your open-mic standup comedy.
Emily: Am I the only one who would rather get hit by a Trumpmobile than talk to someone I went to high school with?
If you could Freaky Friday with one elected official who represents you, who would it be and why?
Alexis: No question Jon Ossoff. Would love the chance to be adored and fawned over by Every Single Teenager In America literally just because I'm under 40.
Alex: I live in DC, so I have no representation, but call your Senators and tell them to pass HR 51 so I can get some, and then I will answer this question.
Myth busters: what is the biggest myth about elections?
Alex: That they only happen in even-numbered years!
There are always very important elections going on outside of the midterm and general elections, and local politics are so important and game-changing. It for sure is not as flashy as what is going on in the Senate, but your Senator is not gonna get that stop sign put on your street or get extra funding for your school (usually), it all happens at the local level.
And there are huge consequences when we ignore these elections. From school boards to water reclamation, so many of our national issues are actually decided at a local level.
Alexis: That their outcomes will radically change the future.
Unfortunately, electing someone is only the first step towards making a change you want to see— elected officials have to work with people who disagree with them to get shit done. It's also a lot easier for elected officials to just not pass laws, so as constituents we really have to be on their asses about passing laws that will help us out.
Who would win in a Drag Race lip-syncing competition: one of your US Senators or your town's mayor and why?
Alexis: I think Raphael Warnock probably has better dance moves than Keisha Lance Bottoms and he also knows how to work a crowd. Keisha would put up a good fight, but Raphy would have absolutely everyone on their feet and singing along. Plus I feel like he could probably do a handstand better than Keisha.
Alex: I only have Mayor Bowser but she’d kill it regardless.
Picture this: you're president. Don't ask how or why, but you are. What is something you have the executive power to decide that all of the presidents before have been too chicken shit to do? (This doesn't have to do with voting. I'm just nosy.)
Alex: Eliminate student debt, make French fries a major food group and probably cancel The Voice. It’s lived on past its’ prime and is clogging up my Tiktok FYP recently.
The President doesn’t have the power to make Election Day a national holiday but would be cool if they could.
Alexis: I have been saying actually for years that if I was elected president I would spend every day of all 4 years of my term walking door to door to every house in America to take away everyone's guns.
I understand this is controversial and unrealistic, but I don't care I will die on this hill. No more guns!!!!!!! Every other country seems to have this figured out!!!!!!!
What's your fake campaign's slogan?
Alexis: Vote Alexis: Live in a Safer America (I can't come right out with the anti-gun thing or I'll never get elected, gotta be strategic)
Alex: Vote the right man in, Vote Alex Chanen.
Be honest: are you secretly a dead person voting???
Alex: Is this a joke about my receding hairline?
Alexis: I don't think I can legally provide an answer to this question without incriminating myself.
Emily: Why do you all think I asked this? 👀👀👀
Why should people bring the same energy to local elections that they do to federal elections?
Alexis: Honestly, more energy should be brought to local elections than federal elections!! Your mayor and city council have a lot more power over your daily life than Joe Biden does.
Plus, you probably live really close to your local representatives and literally can go knock on their door and ask them to do things for you— Joseph Robinette could never.
Take advantage of having government officials who live in your neighborhood.
Alex: All politics are local! Your schools? Local. Your trash being picked up? Local. Traffic? Local. What businesses are able to open in your neighborhood? Local. Adele’s 4th studio album, 30? Local.
We've seen a ton of focus recently on local issues in the news like what schools can teach and not teach. If we allow folks who operate in bad faith to run our schools, we are seriously putting our children in danger.
What's your most controversial voting hot take?
Alex: I don’t know if it is controversial, but vote in person if you can. Absentee voting has so many perks and definitely, a million percent do it if you can not vote in person.
But if you can, it makes the process smoother and ensures there is no problem with your ballot and it will be counted.
Alexis: You shouldn't need to register to vote, like at all. As long as you can prove that you live in a particular place on election day, you should be able to just walk in and vote. Registering is confusing and different in every state and it's annoying to change every time you move.
What's your most controversial partisan hot take?
Alexis: Maybe not partisan, but definitely controversial: I don't think anyone older than 65 should be allowed to hold any elected office at any level. Sorry, Grandpa!! Young people rule.
Alex: Republicans operate in bad faith and are hell-bent on destroying our democracy.
One line zinger to get out the vote tomorrow!!
Alex: Please just freaking vote.
Alexis: Friends don't let friends vote alone!! (AKA text your friends to go vote with you!!)
Would you rather: vote or not vote?
Alexis: Vote!!!!!!!!! It's the literal bare minimum you can do to try to make sure your city/state/country is being run by people you don't hate!!
Alex: I’ll take Vote for 500, Trebek or Biyalik or Sharp.