Dating: A Horror Story
Change My Mind About: The Office is the funniest show ever
Has this ever happened to you: you go on a date with a man????
(There was going to be a more robust joke here but I had a flashback to a Very Bad Date I went on with a guy who turned out to be an incel, and thought this would be a better punchline).
Let’s not kid ourselves: dating, like The Bachelor, is political. All things are, as the feminist leaders of yore taught us. The number of power structures at play even in modern dating today are frankly enough to keep a girl off Hinge (well, that and remembering you went on a date with an incel).
This week, I talked with bad-dating expert Blair Baker about how hookup culture has shaped modern dating, the ways in which the male gaze skews the gender dynamics in relationships (because, if you can’t tell by the name, it does), and whether or not there’s any possible way for women to level the playing field.
Blair is an anti-capitalist who works in advertising. She loves playing a simulation where she pretends to be a functioning adult and her specialty is deleting her dating apps only to re-download them when she hate-watches any and all of the Bachelor franchise series. She also has a cute dog named Roo whom she got as an excuse to leave parties early and go to sleep at 10:30.
Blair wanted to note that our conversation largely focused on cishet relationships (or, heterosexual relationships between two cisgender individuals) as that has been her dating experience and where she has focused much of her research. Thanks, Blair!
PSA For Men on Hinge
Emily: In whatever way you want to describe it: what is dating in your 20s currently like?
Blair: For me, exhausting and frustrating.
Emily: What are some of your funniest/craziest/most comedically harrowing dating stories?
Blair: I think my trauma response has been to block out the plethora of horrible interactions I've had with men. But I remember one time, a man legitimately thought a good first date would be the Starbucks inside a Target. I can now say the worst way to start a first date is, "I'm in the CD aisle, where are you?"
Another man (an actual adult man who was 22) told me he couldn't hang out with me because his dad wouldn't let him.
And finally: don’t date a comedian. They’re not funny, and they think giving mediocre head is a personality trait.
Emily: Do we think straight men know that they all make Office references on their dating profiles?
Blair: If not, can someone PLEASE tell them?? It's not a hot take if everyone says it.
Hooked on the Wrong Phonics
Hookup culture sucks. There, I said it!!! Another bold claim from E4P!!!
But in all honesty, hookup culture has created such a lax relationship for members of Gen Z with dating and emotions (in favor of more short term, primarily sex-centered “hookups”) that the idea of monogamy as well as dealing with our emotions has become somewhat undesirable.
I asked Blair:
Emily: Gen Z tends to favor hookup culture to monogamous relationships. Do you think that has permanently changed how our generation views relationships and romantic commitment?
Blair: Okay college boys, hold onto your hats because I'm about to blow your mind.
There is research that shows that college-aged cisgender men and women perceive their peers’ attitude towards hookup culture more positively than what how it is actually perceived (with men overall having a higher interest in hookup culture).
TLDR: Everyone thinks everyone else is kosher with hookup culture but we're all a little iffy on it.
With that all being said, hookup culture has changed the norm for relationships. While relationships used to be surrounded by courtship and formal arrangements (also worth noting this is also a time where women were looking to get y to get out of their parent's houses), the new norm is these arbitrary rules that —I hate to break it to you— are guided by men.
The transition from casual hookups, to texting games, to "being exclusive," to dating, to eventually "bf & gf." This is mostly pushed by the male desire for sex over emotional connection. The way this often plays out is that if a woman chooses not to participate in hookup culture, they are excluded from the whole cycle and is often ostracized by their peers as a result of not wanting to go out to meet men, not chatting about hookups, etc... If a man decides not to participate in hookup culture, there are plenty of women who are looking for the end goal of hookup culture and are available.
All of this is to say: the rules have changed and while deep down some of us still want long-term monogamy, we exist in a place where the rules have changed.
Emily: How has hookup culture shaped how you currently view dating? Has it at all?
Blair: It's shaped my journey. I was definitely guilty for many years of seeking out that "hookup" because I saw that as a means to end that is dating. Through most of college, I tried to remove myself from hookup culture and did feel excluded and often fell back into hookup culture.
Since then, I have changed my view to be very strong in the fact that hookup culture isn't my shit. It's still hard to escape things that are ingrained in hookup culture like texting games or the fear of having the, "what are we" convo.
Emily: Do you still feel like there is a standard of dating to achieve? Like would you say there is still this ideal of a monogamous, heteronormative relationship structure that results in marriage?
Blair: Yes, the ways to get there are just different. The ultimate goal is to have that casual hookup turn into monogamy and then into marriage.
With that being said, women are starting to rethink if they even want marriage. I would expect in the future this will fuck shit up.
Emily: As a woman who has been rethinking marriage for a while now and is at the present moment interested in making it a goal of mine— build on this.
Blair: The standard for women and how they act has been centered around marriage for centuries. Not only just getting married but being this ideal of wife who is at the whim of her husband— passive and sweet. In the past 50ish years, women have been not only joining the workforce but excelling, causing them to rethink what marriage is for.
It’s no longer for financial security but for the love and companionship aspect of it which is dual sided. As the reason for marriage becomes less of a need and more of want, women are bound to go against the norm which as I said, pisses off the majority which isn’t a great look.
All in all this leads to women not needing to be a part of marriage as the label is pretty meaningless in actuality. Without this goal that men still ultimately have control and the upper hand in, dynamics are bound to shift.
I’d like us to recall, if we might, the conversation I had with Erin Raderstorf this summer in which we noted that if the gender binary —noted gaslighter and gatekeeper— were to be broken down, it would subvert a lot of fucking power structures. And, as Rebecca Loftin fantastically said two weeks ago, “when power shifts away from those who have traditionally held it, there’s a scramble to create laws that will long outlive the people making them.”
There are so many opinions that when women state them, we’re often written off as angry or aggressive feminists. But if I may add my very angry and aggressive feminist two cents: I don’t think a good relationship needs to result in a marriage. The institution itself often feels finite and rigid due to its history of being a business transaction. By making marriage the end goal of dating, maintains this power structure which has for so long cast women as items meant to be desired and then purchased.
However, making your relationship the end goal of dating allowing it to exist in whatever shape it takes—be that marriage or whatever Gwyneth Paltrow is doing— gives women more autonomy.
To bring the section full circle, hookup culture’s relaxing of formulaic dating is the Murphy’s Law of progress: no, we shouldn’t be so rigid in our moving our relationships toward marriage, but there also has to be more to it all than just “u up?” texts.
Not a Male Gazing Upon Me
When we discussed the trials and tribulations of gabagooled Governor Andrew Cuomo, Samantha Jaloza and I talked about rape culture and how that allows for men to feel entitled to a woman’s personhood. But what allows for rape culture to exist in the first place?
Ladies, gentlemen, girls, gays, theys— let me introduce you to ✨the male gaze.✨
The male gaze “is the act of depicting women and the world… from a masculine, heterosexual perspective that presents and represents women as sexual objects for the pleasure of the heterosexual male viewer.”
Conversations about the male gaze originated in feminist theories regarding art and literature critique as art baddies began to comment on how women always seem to be naked and sexualized in the work of male artists. The theory has since left its art school bubble and is now commonly accepted among everyone on the receiving end of any heterosexual male’s eyeline to be applicable to just existing in the world.
The result?
The perpetuation of a culture which allows men to see women as objects first, humans second (if ever), and where women and female presenting individuals to learn early on that they’re only as safe as the least angry man allows them to be.
Obviously, this affects heterosexual dating— literally how could it not?? I asked Blair:
Emily: What role does the male gaze play in the heteronormative dating scene?
Blair: Okay, have you been talking to my therapist?
The male gaze is what rules the heteronormative dating scene and just general society. The way women dress, act, and exist (whether you realize it or not) is dictated by the male gaze. The entire way the dating scene works is dictated by the way men see women and the way men see other men.
Emily: In what ways does the male gaze encourage women to settle for partners who don't see or respect their value, while simultaneously conditioning men to not take accountability?
Blair: Oh girl, you're hitting me hard.
I think women just think they can't find a man who respects their values, which I will admit is hard. At the same time, because women will accept this treatment, men don't have to change. Why would they do the hard work when they don't have to?
Emily: Do you think this pressure is largely (but subliminally) placed on those who identify as women or as more feminine? In what ways have you noticed this pressure in your personal dating life?
Blair: Yes, in culture, women are constantly taught to settle. If her and her husband want to work when having kids, she is the one that will have to make compromises.
Arlie Russel Hochschild researched what she calls “the second shift’ which basically means in dual working couples, women have a second job when they come home, being a parent. Also standards for how women act in the world are different —“be nice,” “be polite,” “be cordial,”— but men aren’t held to the same standards with the “boys will be boys” trope.
It’s hard for women to find a good guy but women have been training all their lives to be a “perfect partner.”
And heck yea. The amount of times I’ve been told to lower my standards is absurd, considering my standards are: nice. (Maybe my new standard of “goes to therapy” is a bit harder to find.)
I also think women, generally, put a lot more effort into grooming and with makeup and so women are just prettier. Yet, we’ve accepted that it’s better to find an “eh” guy that loves you than search for someone with that sexual chemistry.
The thing that is often so crazy to me is how casually men handle all of this power. Blair noted the effects of hookup culture in why dating is far more casual, often to the benefit of men. But the whole approach to dating (the language used, the communication habits, and how we act when a connection is over) also tend to be good for guys.
There’s so many ways to absolutely demolish a casual relationship, with the most common being ghosting, love bombing, and breadcrumbing (allegedly a real thing???).
A study of Millennials published on BankMyCell.com found that “82% of women and 71% of men acknowledged that in this digital era ghosting is an everyday phenomenon, with 11% more men having the slight edge on never experiencing it.”
The most common reason both men and women gave for ghosting was to avoid confrontation with someone. The disparity in the stats is what’s very interesting: while 38% of men gave responded as such, 50% of women said it.
But why might a woman do that? What could lead her, her of ye olde monogamous faith, to try to avoid a confrontation with a man?
Emily: Why do you think is it that when men break up with women, they often refer to them as crazy?
Blair: I think it's easier to dismiss someone else's emotions than acknowledge that maybe you're part of the problem.
The idea of being "crazy" is often a self-fulfilling prophecy as a result of being treated poorly. I think the men that call their exes "crazy" are the same ones that can't handle their partner asking for common human decency. I also think the phrasing of men calling their exes, "crazy" has become a cultural norm that needs to be broken.
By not honestly acknowledging how we feel about hookup culture, by women withering away with subpar men as a result of dating within the male gaze, and by modern dating habits favoring men at every stage in the relationship, we are constantly confining ourselves to outdated dating structures. Moreover, whatever progress is achieved in the slow inch towards gender equality (even within the binary!!!) rests on the backs of women willing to make the change without any support from men who still think putting “looking for the Pam to my Jim” on their dating profile is inventive.
Modern Love
Dating kind of feels like the last frontier in many regards to fighting for equality. How can anyone expect cishet men to care about any issue plaguing us if they don’t view the other halves of their relationships equally?
Obviously, gendered dynamics in relationships have been fucked since Eve was made out of a piece of Adam so it might be a little wishful to think men without fully developed brains will take the requisite steps to unlearn what the male gaze has always told them was inherently theirs (women).
But still, I asked Blair.
Emily: Is there a way to date that's empowering to women?
Blair: I think this is a tricky question because dating in heteronormative relationships is always going to have some of the patriarchy and its rules in it.
With that being said, I think there are some ways to make it more empowering to women while existing in the system. You just have to be yourself and demand what you know you deserve. I'm going to be honest: since I started being more upfront, I've had fewer dates and relationships but it's felt way more empowering. It is way easier to let someone go when they aren't looking for the same thing as you than for some fuckboy that you've been hoping will commit decides to end it with you over Snapchat DM after he told you he loved you at 3 a.m blackout drunk.
I approach dates being myself and not faking interests or catering towards a guy. This has some of the same isolating results as I’m not participating in hookup culture, but I feel way better about myself when I control the narrative.
With that, I absolutely had to ask:
Emily: What's your dating profile elevator pitch to all of E4P's eligible bachelors?
Blair: Do any single eligible men read this? If you haven't been spooked yet, you might be the one.
What is a newsletter for if not matchmaking for your friends?
A billion thank you’s to Blair for answering these questions so honestly, and a billion fuck you’s to the MTA for the train delay that ate up a huge chunk of my Monday and delayed this piece!!!!!